Dead Inside

Chapter Sixteen The pain I feel

I can hear people moving around me but I can't make my eyes open. In fact my body isn't responding at all. There is a low murmuring of people talking but I can't seem to make out any distinct words. Music is playing in the background. It sounds familiar but it sounds like I'm listening to it underwater. Suddenly a door bangs open and all the sounds suddenly become loud and clear. I struggle to identify the song. Maybe if I can work it out my brain will start working properly. It's so foggy at the moment. All logical thought seems to be just out of reach. I can hear several male voices and a high female laugh. The door closes and the music is muffled again but the voices are getting closer.

"Okay boys so this is our newest offering." I shudder as I realise whats going on. The voice sounds different this time though. As they continue to speak I realise whats different. It sounds like Max and the other voice is Drew. I try to ignore what they are saying and struggle to open my eyes so I can escape. The voices around me escalate and the door opens and closes a few times making the sounds of the party swell and then fade. I focus on the music. That's the key. Figure it out and I'll be able to move again. The bed beside me dips and I chant no, no, no over and over in my mind. I try to calm my breathing but I can't. When the door slams open and voices start to yell and cry out I join the chaos with my own screams.

I scream and scream until my throat is raw and there is hardly any sound escaping. Still I try to scream. I feel someone trying to restrain me and I lash out with my fists and feet. I connect with something and I hear a groan before my arms are pinned above my head and a weight is on my legs forcing them to the bed. I struggle harder. Tears stream down my face as I throw my head from side to side. I am still trying to scream but nothing is coming out.

"Roxanne, stop, it's okay, you're safe, I got you, Roxanne, please." I heard a low voice repeating the same words over and over.

"No. It's never going to okay. What is broken cannot be fixed. Even if you glue it back together the cracks are still there. Best just to throw is away. You cannot save me from myself. I'm done. It's over. Don't blame yourself. It's inevitable. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the day after. It will happen and you cannot stop it. I would say I'm sorry but no one would care, and I wouldn't really mean it." I speak in a monotone without opening my eyes. I know that every word is true. I am finally ready to commit the final act. I cannot take the pain anymore.

A drop of water falls on the bridge of my nose. It is soon followed by another on my cheek. Is it raining? But I'm inside. I open my eyes to see Max hovering above me, tears falling from the tip of his nose onto my face. I try to lift my hand but he is holding them. He slowly lets go and I reach up and wipe a tear away.

"It's okay. It's not your fault. I absolve you of any guilt about your failure to save me. I am a lost cause. It's best if you just forget about me. Everyone will be happier if they just forget about me." He lets out a strangled sob before burying his head in the crook of my neck. He slides his arms around me and squeezes me tightly. I can barely breath and his arms are digging into my back but I don't complain as he shakes with silent sobs. If this is what he needs to do to let me go then I can bear this short-term discomfort.

"I really wish you could see yourself through my eyes and realise how much I need you. You give me a reason to fight. A purpose. A light in the darkness. I don't want you around so I can help you, or fix you, but because without you I am nothing. My life is meaningless. Before you crashed into my life I spent many nights standing on the same ledge. Ready to take that step over the edge. Only the thought of Drew stopped me from doing it but even that was beginning to fade. Since I met you I have only been up there twice. If you do it I don't think it'll be long before I'm up there again and I don't think anything will stop me." His voice is muffled by the pillow but I hear every word. How can someone need me? Me? Could he be telling the truth or is this another ploy? He lifts his head and I search his eyes for any insincerity, but I can't find any. All I see is the raw pain that he has tried so hard to hide from everyone. I can't believe I didn't see it before. He is as broken as I am.

I slowly reach up and cup the back of his head. I pull him down and kiss him, trying to convey everything I am feeling because I don't have the words to tell him how much I need him too. I need him like I need air to breath. He hesitates for a moment before returning the kiss with the same hunger. I move my hands to his waist and up under his shirt. My fingers trail over the smooth skin of his back. He moves his kisses down my neck and across my collar bone. I tug his shirt up higher and he pulls it over his head. I groan at the loss of his lips and pull him back down to meet my mouth as soon as the shirt is out of the way. I flip him over and side astride his stomach. I pull my shirt over my head and his eyes rake over me, taking in everything before pulling me back down to his mouth.

Afterwards we lay naked in each other's arms, our legs intertwined. We don't speak just lose ourselves in each other eyes. They say everything we need to convey. I feel my eyes drooping and I rest my head on his chest and fall asleep.

I wake to soft breaths on the nape of my neck and the unfamiliar but comforting feeling of an arm draped around my waist. I lay still with my eyes closed just savouring the moment. All too soon I need to visit the bathroom so I slip out from under Max's arm. I tiptoe over to the door and see that the doorframe is splintered where it's been forced open. I smile to myself. It's a long time since someone cared enough to break down a door to help me.

I make myself a coffee and sit at the breakfast bar mulling over recent events. Everything has changed. I have made friends. Let people in. People who care about me. Who will break doors down for me. Who will come to my rescue just because I ask them to. I somehow feel lighter. Maybe there is hope after all.

"Morning." A voice jolts me from my thoughts. I look up to see a bare chested Max. He runs his hand through his bed hair and I can't help but watch as his muscles move and contract. "If you keep looking at me like that we will have to go back to bed."

"You wish." I meet his eyes with a smirk before wrinkling my nose. I can't hold the look for long though and am soon grinning at him. He reached across the bench and grabs my half drunk coffee from in front of me.

"Aw thanks. You really shouldn't have." He takes a gulp, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Morning bro." Drew appears suddenly and slaps Max on the back making his choke on the coffee. We laugh as he doubles over coughing. This feels like a family. Like my family used to be before. How I wish my family still was. I stop laughing abruptly as I think about the differences between my family and Max and Drews relationship. I really wish I could mess around with my sister or have a proper conversation with my parents. I wish they believed me about everything. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that Drew and Max would believe me if I ever told them what happened. I feel bad that I jumped to the wrong conclusion last night. They were honest with me and I behaved like my parents did.

"Hey Roxanne, you ok?" Max interrupts my internal rambling.

"I just want to apologise for the way I behaved yesterday. You were being honest with me and I threw it back in your face."

"Don't worry about it. It was a lot to take in at once. It's all good." The brothers smile at me, no animosity in their gazes at all. I sigh in relief. Suddenly I realise there's something I need to do. I stand up abruptly.

"I need to go home."

"You don't need to leave Roxanne. You can stay as long as you like."

"I know Drew. I'll be back. Just need to do something that I should have done a long time ago."

"I'm coming with you. Just give me a minute to get dressed." Max moves towards the bedroom but turns back and catches my eye. "That's non-negotiable. I'm coming with you." I sigh and nod my head knowing he won't take no for an answer. I need to save my strength for what I'm about to do anyway.