Dead Inside

Chapter Eighteen In the end

I slide into the passenger seat of the car and as Max rounds the hood I lose all control. I drop my head into my hands and let the tears fall. As the car starts moving I can feel the pieces that were my family falling away. As each one tears itself loose the pain rips through me. I can't breathe as sobs wrack my body. I cry like I've never cried before.

I'm not sure where we are when Max stops the car. He opens my door and lifts me before sliding into the seat with me cradled on his lap. I clutch his shirt and lose myself in the pain. I'm going to live it all now so I can get it out of my system. I don't want to hold onto this pain.

When I finally calm myself enough to look around I see that night has crept in. Everything is the shades of grey that only exist at dusk. I can feel the sodden fabric of Max's shirt under my fingers and a shot of guilt stabs through me. Almost as though he hears it he runs a hand through my hair before cupping my chin and lifting my eyes to meet his. I expect to see disgust, annoyance or something else of the sorts but all I see is adoration, serenity and a hint of lust. I melt under his gaze. I cannot believe one person can make all the pain disappear with just a look.

"Sorry" I mutter looking down. He pulls my chin up again forcing me to meet his eyes.

"It's no problem Roxanne. Any time you need me I'll be here. If not me, Drew will step in as a substitute. A poor one though." A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. I get lost in Max's eyes as he stares into mine. So much is conveyed in this simple look. Things I could never express in words. The moment is broken when my stomach growls loudly.

"There's a food truck nearby where we can grab some Bao buns if you like." I nod in reply and climb out of the car. We are at a park and I can see the lights of the food truck on the other side. Max grabs my hand like it's the most natural thing in the world and heads across the grass, pulling me along behind him. I hasten my steps until we are side by side. It feels nice knowing that he's here. With me. And not for some ulterior motive. I watch him intently while he orders us some food. Trying to memorise every little feature. Like the was his brow creases the tiniest bit in the middle when he's thinking, or his easy smile that he uses when he's being polite, or the way his dark hair falls onto his forehead and he absently pushes it back, or the curve of his jaw, or –

"Earth to Roxanne. Your foods ready." I blink a few times and realise Max is holding something out to me. I reach out and take it from him, savouring the aroma. We walk hand in hand through the park, taking the path that meanders its way around the edge.

"Thanks. For being there today. I don't want to think about what could have happened if you hadn't been."

"Any time Roxanne. All you have to do is ask me and I'll be there. I promise. And I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what? You haven't done anything but be the nicest guy on the planet. Well second to your brother." I bump his shoulder playfully and he grumbles in response.

"I'm sorry for the horrible hand you've been dealt. A lesser person would have crumbled in a heap but you're still fighting strong. You are a real inspiration. I'm sorry your parents don't believe you. I'm sorry I didn't meet you earlier. I'm just sorry. It's the only part of what I'm feeling I can describe. The rest is a mixture of rage, sadness, horror, disbelief, admiration, happiness and a few other things I can't name." I stop walking and pull him into a hug.

"Thank you." I hold him tight against me for a long moment before we continue our walk.

We come across a small playground and sit on the swings. I finish my bun and kick my legs out to make the swing move. I go higher and higher relishing the feeling of the wind in my hair. I feel free for the first time in my life. I am free to be myself. I don't have to fit into some mould of what my parents want me to be. I reach the pinnacle of a swing and leap from the seat. There is a momentary feeling of weightlessness before I fall to the ground. I collapse into the sand laughing. Max soon thumps down beside me and we lay on our backs and watch as the last threads of light disappear from the sky and the first stars appear. His hand is intertwined with mine. I want to freeze this moment and live in this perfect bubble forever.

With the sun set the temperature starts to drop and all too soon I am shivering. Reluctantly I sit up and rub my bare arms in an attempt to warm then up. Max stands up and holds out a hand to pull me to my feet. He wraps me in his arms and I soon stop shivering.

"Sorry I don't have a jacket or sweatshirt to give you." I wrap my arm around his waist and we walk towards the car in silence. I never thought hanging out with someone without speaking could be comfortable, but it's like we completely understand one another. We don't need to talk to convey what we are thinking. It comes across in the simplest touch, or fleeting glance. We climb into the car and Max starts it before cranking up the heater. It takes a few minutes for the air to blow warm but when it does I feel the cold seep from my bones. Max pulls away from the curb and I settle back in my seat.

I watch his profile as he drives. Every now and then he glances my way and smiles. I rest my hand on his thigh and he lay his on mine when he's not changing gears. How lucky am I to have this wonderful guy care for me? After all the things I have said and done how can things end up like this? I owe my life to Max and Drew. I will forever be indebted to them. The only way I can pay them back is to live a good life. Hopefully it will have both of them in it, and Riley. I think they have ignited the last remaining spark of life in me. I wasn't completely dead inside after all.

The car is suddenly filled with blinding white light and Max cries out my name while wrenching the steering wheel around. The world jolts and flies sideways and all I can hear is metal screaming. My last thought before everything turns black is but I want to live.

The End