Burden (tododeku)

Chapter three

(Izuku's POV)

It's in the middle of class and I feel like screaming at myself.
I had just gotten sent out because I wasn't paying attention.

I fucked up again.

I want to cause myself pain because I deserve it.
I really can't do anything right.

I have no point here.
I want to hug and talk to Shoto but he is still in class.
I remember the paper I have in my pocket.

I get up and run over to Shoto's dorm.
I have to be quick, class will be over in thirty minutes.

Before I can get up there I'm already getting yelled at by Kacchan again.

Maybe I should take his advice. I'm just a burden to the ones around me. It wouldn't make a difference either way.

I can't go back to my house because my mom is home so I go to the only place I know I can get into and be alone.

I can't leave school grounds again, ill get in trouble and I can't have my mom knowing.

I go into his bathroom and lock the door.
I start opening drawers, trying to find some pills.

I eventually give up on the pills, finding myself empty handed.

I give up all together.
I take out my razor and make a bunch of small cuts on my wrist. 

You're such a fucking disappointment. You can't even kill yourself. You know they don't care.

I hear a knock on the door I must have missed the bell.

"Izuku, are you in there..?" I take some toilet paper and messily wrap my arm before pushing my sleeve back down.
I flush the toilet to make it seem like nothing had happened and walk out to see Shoto standing there.

"hey, sorry, I got sent out for the rest of class so I came up here.." I say in a monotone voice.
I feel void of emotion and I'm getting pretty sick and tired of acting.

I rub my arm out of nervous habit but feel my sleeve getting wet. "I-I'm going to go home for lunch period today, I'll see you later."

I give him a quick kiss on the cheek so he won't suspect anything and go to leave.
Before I can get to the door, he stops me by the shoulder.

I turn around but I don't dare look him in the eye.

"don't ever be scared to talk to me, okay?" he says, sounding worried.

"I'm not.. I promise I will come talk to you if I need to." and with that I rush out of the door and head to my house.

I walk into the house and into my room.
I wrap my arm again, this time using something batter than toilet paper.

I put a jacket back on and head back to the clearing I went to a few days ago when Shoto found me.

I sit on the log and look up at the trees.

I really am useless.

I'm just a disappointment.

There really is no point for me here.
I shod have taken the chance when I had it.

But I was too weak.
Too stupid.

I can't even kill myself, how am I supposed to beat a villain?

I feel my breathing slow again and I just feel dizzy and tired.

I always feel tired lately.

I feel so tired and useless, devoid of any emotion.

I walk over and sit on a nearby cliff that leads to the river down below. I know that if I fall it would be fatal but at this point, I don't care if I fall or not.

I toss a rock down the cliff and into the water, listening to the noise it makes as I tumbles down the cliff and lands into the water.

What if that rock was me..?

It should have been me.

I still don't feel the same, but, it's almost calming how void of emotion I am.
Nothing hurts anymore.

What better way to stop feeling pain than to stop feeling anything at all?

I'm startled when someone sits down next to me.

"The bell rang and you weren't at your house so I thought you would be here.." Shoto says quietly.

I lean my head on his shoulder and he puts his arm loosely around my waist.

We sit there on a comfortable silence for a few more minutes until I decide to speak up "if.." I pause for a minute and think of how to word this.

I take a rock and throw it down the cliff as I had to another rocks moments before and look up at Shoto. "what if I was that rock..? Would you just forget about me? I'm not really something to be dwelled on.." I say just above a whisper.

My eyes fill with tears and I feel one slip and fall down my cheek.
I slightly smile at the thought of being that rock.

Everything would stop.
No more pain, no more emotion.

I'm cut out of my thoughts by Shoto.
He moves over and brings my head up so that I'm looking at him.
He wipes away my tears with his thumbs.

"please, don't ever leave me. I would never forget you. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I love you Izuku, I'll always be here for you and you can always talk to me.."

A tear of his own falls down his cheek and he lets go of my chin to wipe it away.

I let out a small sigh and go back to the clearing.
I lie down in the middle of it on the grass and look up at the trees and clouds

Maybe in my next life things will be better.
Maybe I won't be such a fucking disappointment.
Maybe I won't be so pathetic and selfish.
Maybe things won't hurt so fucking much.

Tears start falling down the side if my face and into the grass.
I see no point in being here anymore.
I don't feel anything anymore, there is nothing left for me here.

But I can't bring myself to leave and it's all because of him.

Sometimes I hate him for this.

I just want to leave and be free.
Sometimes I want to believe him when he says things get better but a part of me knows it never will.

I'm just stuck here, drowning inside my own head.

1079 words
(sorry this is shorter. I have zero inspiration right now)