Burden (tododeku)

Chapter five

(Izuku's POV)

It's been a week since I got out of the recovery room.

A week since I've seen him.

(flashback)

It's my second day here and Shoto is sitting next to me.

I know what I need to do.

This way I can't hurt him.

"hey Shoto?" I ask just above a whisper.

I don't want to so this but it needs to be done.
He looks up at me to let me know he is listening.

"I-I think we should break up." I say, holding back tears.

He looks at me, obviously shocked by my words.

"w-what?" he asks, still shocked and confused.

"please, don't make this any harder than it already is.." I look back down at my legs, not wanting to see his face.
It would only make things harder.

I feel him let go of my hand and listen to his footsteps as he walks away.

As soon as I hear the door shut I hug my knees to my chest and silently cry.

This was for the best.

(end of flashback)

I've managed to get out if going to school for the past week because if my attempt

I can't bring myself to go near him.
It hurts just hearing his name.

I have to go back to school today now that I have recovered from my attempt.

I wish I hadn't woken up.

***

I walk into school with a bright smile on my face to hide how scared I actually am to be here right now.

As soon as I walk into class the first person I see is him.

I try to turn my attention away from him as the entire class starts asking questions.

"are the rumors true?"

Yes

"are you okay?"

No

"where were you?"

I think you know

"why were you in the recovery room?"

You already know

I just answer with lies.

"I was just on a short vacation. I'm fine."
I say with a smile on my face.

One of the only people that didn't ask questions was Shoto.

I miss him but I know this is for the best.
He is happier this way.
That's all I want.

I know the other classmates don't care.
If they did they would have noticed my lie.

But it's okay.
I'm used to it now.

I mean, being alone isn't that bad, right?

I let out a sigh as I stare down at my hands, waiting for class to start.

***

The bell rings for lunch.
I'm not hungry.
I haven't eaten in about two weeks

Uraraka says I'm getting too thin.
I still think I'm fat.

I sit down at the lunch table next to her.
I look down at my hands as Uraraka talks to Iida.

I sit there, drowning in my thoughts as I stare down at my fidgeting hands.

After a few minutes I'm snapped out of my thoughts.

"Deku, you need to eat" Uraraka says, looking over at me.

I look up at her and slightly shake my head. "I'm not hungry."

"you're getting sickly thin. You have to be hungry by now." I look down at my body after she says this.

I'm not thin. You can stop lying now.

"I said I'm not hungry" I say more harsh than before.

I sigh, realizing how I had spoken. "sorry" I mumble as I take my phone out and put my ear buds in, listening to 'Its U' by Cavetown.

I guess it's just another one if those nights
When I'll spend way too much time
On something so small that no one really cares about at all
I guess it's just another one of those thoughts
And I can't really find a cause
Whether it's all just in my mind or something more here in my life

I feel myself start to cry so I pause my music and look over at Iida and Uraraka. "I'm sorry I have to go.." I say rushed as I get up and run into the bathroom.

I slam the stall door shut as I hunch over and throw up almost nothing but water into the toilet.

Once I'm done I slump over and curl up on the floor of the stall, leaning against the wall.

It's okay to feel this way, right?

It's okay to constantly wish that you would fall asleep and never wake up, right?

Is it okay to constantly feel alone, even in a room filled with people?

Is it really okay for me to constantly hate myself?

I used to be so good at faking emotions, but I just can't do it anymore.

I sit like that, thinking to myself for about another hour.
I'm so pathetic.

I get up and leave the bathroom.
I walk into class, late, my head down.

I sit down at my desk and I can feel everyone's eyes on me but I just ignore it and stare up at the teacher with a smile as always.

***

I'm walking home from school when someone grabs my hand to stop me from walking any further.

Scared, I whip around to see who had grabbed me only to see that familiar multicolored hair.
I feel tears start to sting at my eyes as soon as I see him so I turn around and go to walk away.

Before I can get too far he grabs my hand again.

"Izuku, we need to talk.. please.." he says as he holds my hand to keep me from walking away again.

"w-what do you want to talk about..?" I ask quietly as I look down at the ground, not wanting to face him.

"You know what.. I need to know why.. Is it something I did? Please, I just want to know why" he begs, still holding my hand as I sigh.

I hold his hand back and walk down to the park.
Once we are there I sit down on one of the swings and let my tears fall.

"I-I'm sorry.. I did this for the both if us.. You're better off without me, I'm just a burden.. I did this to protect you from me" I say quietly from my swing. "and you obviously haven't been affected by it, so I guess I was right.. You're better off without m-me.."

I wait for a response and when I don't get one I get off my swing and start walking away.

I don't get too far before I feel two strong arms wrap around me.
I want to hug him back and tell him I love him but I don't.

Instead I push him off of me. "get the fuck off of me!" I scream as I shove him, ignoring the tears in his eyes, as well as my own.

I walk away and as soon as I'm out of his sight I start to run home.

I fucked up again.

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