the everyday antics of the roadtrip flat, but randy history shadows ryes new relationship. does rye still love andy? will rye's girlfriend found out? basically a whole load of friendship, love triangles, secret crushes, Jacklyn? and 100% randy. I th...
I come out of the bathroom, I think I know what I'm gonna say to De today I've just gotta find the right time.
as a walk out I see her waiting for me, she's sat against the wall, I go and sit with her
I guess this is happening now then
we're both sat in silence looking at her painting that she did a couple days ago.
(it looks something like this but better and an actual painting, but you get the concept)
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We stay like this for what feels like forever.
I start to feel kinda anxious and I completely forget everything I wanted to say.
shit.
I break the silence anyway
"I kinda feel like him right now"
"in what way?" she asks, in a soft voice
"like I'm surrounded by so much amazingness, you, the band, friendship, the opportunities I've had like it's so much more then I could ever ask for...
...but I know I'm probably about to fuck it up. like bad"
"it feels like the end," she says, obviously talking about the elephant in the room, us
"it's kinda the end for him too" she gestures to the astronaut "he'll soon run out of oxygen and just be a memory floating in space"
she doesn't say anything more, she just waits for me to say it, I think she's known for a while exactly what's coming next. I think I have too.
and she's right it feels like the end, I guess because it is. our relationship is running out of oxygen.
"this is hard for me to say because I like you a lot, I really do, and no matter what, know I will always care about you so much and ... but... ummm... I..... I....."
she cuts me off
"you're in love with andy"
I feel tears grow in my eyes, I am, like completely and fully am, and she knew.
"i..." I try to talk but I have nothing to say "I... I think so" I finally admit. and lower my head covering my face with my knees, which are pulled to my chest.
"I'm so sorry De" I really am sorry, she means so much to me
"rye, don't apologise"
"you're not mad?"
"I am, you didn't get away with it that easy" there's a serious tone in her voice now " but that's a different conversation and there's no good in us having it now. this is the right thing for us and I can't change how you feel, and I get it, andy is amazing, I love you both to the moon and back"
she rests her head on my shoulder
"tell me why?" she asks
"why what?" I ask
"why, why do you love him?" she says more weakly now
"his smile," I start "like the way it gives me butterflies and when he laughs, how my heart jumps slightly. when he gets angry about social injustices or just talks about anything he's passionate about or the people he cares for, it's beautiful, he gets this glint of emotion in his eye and I feel it hit me, whatever he loves, I love, I would follow him anywhere forever. whenever it's just us, time feels slow, like the world knows that we should be in that moment, together for eternity. It's the way he fits in my body whenever we embrace, like a missing puzzle piece, the way his skin feels, soft, delicate, his breath, his warmth, his eyes, like when I'm holding him and nothing else seems to matter. it feels right, it always has"
she sniffs a little, she's crying.
I move my hand and wipe her tears away, and then take her hand in mine and kiss it gently.
"I'm so so sorry Cody"
"Rye really, it's okay" her voice cracks with emotion "you have something beautiful, something that we never had or could have; and I'm not gonna let you just throw that away. I don't think many people will ever feel that way about someone, like ever" she squeezes my hand "so why were you with me and not with andy?"
"We were at the old flat and we thought we were alone, we were like basically naked on my bed doing our thing and Blair walked in. it was real embarrassing but Blair later told us, in short, that he thought it would be better for the band if we weren't an actual thing, like it would make things messy. and that scared me, a lot. because I hadn't actually thought of the consequences of what us being together could do to our futures, the band, the boys, the dynamics and just everything; at that moment I kinda felt selfish and that we could risk so much being official. I told andy this and I think I freaked him out even more than he was already and he said that we would be better off alone and not be anything more. so basically. we broke up, even though we were never really official."
I stop and think about how I'm gonna say this next bit. I may as well tell her the truth, it's the least she deserves.
"that first time we had sex was a couple of months after me and Andy's break up, I didn't know at the time, but I think it was kinda a rebound. Thinking back on it now and I didn't want to admit that to myself because it is such a shitty thing for me to do to you. and for that, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry. I do really care for you and I think in another world we would work, I would really want you to be my girlfriend or not even another world just any other situation other than this. but I'm hung up on him like I feel like we were made to be together and the thought just won't leave my head."
"you're written in the stars" she adds quietly
"yeah, written in the stars," I say
"I feel like I should be sooo angry at you, but I just can't find any willpower to be. it was so obvious and I think I just pretended I didn't know" she says and sighs
"you have to tell him, make it up to him. any risk is worth taking for a soul mate. you only have one life rye, don't regret knowing love but never seizing it" she adds
she's right, I don't know what I was thinking letting me and andy be separate. he's all I've ever wanted and more. I should have fought for him. I want to.
"so, this is what the end feels like," she says
"I guess it is"
"but with an end comes new beginnings" she kisses my hand
again, she is right
I rest my head on her head which is still on my shoulder, her hand still in mine.
we continue to stare at the wall just holding each other, in a way which is more comforting than anything, a way to escape a looming void and sadness.
