better off alone - randy fanfiction

CHAPTER 7 (I'd risk it all)

 ^^^^   I reference this song at the end   ^^^^ 

I love filler chapters of random trains of thought lmao, enjoy!

andy's POV

so the movie has finished

"night guys, I'm sleepy" Mikey says as he climbs into his bed  

"yeh same" brook yawns and looks at Jack

Jack takes brook's hand and leads him back to their bedroom. 

I never know if those two are a thing or just real friendly. either way, I dig it, it's cute, brook needs more love. I look at Mikey and he looks at me. We're thinking the same thing. I shake my head and smile.

De sits up and looks at rye sleeping on my shoulder 

"what should we do?" she mouths, pointing at rye. 

I make a face insinuating that I don't know 

"let's just leave him on the sofa" she whispers "I don't think we should wake him"

I nod

I slip out from where I was sat and lower rye's head to the sofa. He looks so innocent when he sleeps. like a child that has a big heart and needs protecting from the world, like an angel. my angel... well... not anymore...

I watch as Cody brings a thin blanket and a cushion from the other room,  

"here" she hands it to me. I start to gently wrap rye up.

"this is all I can find, I don't wanna take Harvey's bedding in case he comes back late from the studio, I'm gonna sleep in rye's bed" 

 I nod again and pull her into a hug.

she kisses my cheek.

"goodnight andy"

she exits the room closing the door behind her.

I'm left in silence, both rye and Mikey are fast asleep. 

I stand there in the same place for a few minutes, in some weird ass trance of contemplation.  

I'm just thinking about how I am an awful friend for not telling De how far things went with rye and me. and the fact that I thought it was a good idea to break up with him. well, I didn't really think it was a good idea at all, but I was scared of where it was going. and also, I mean it wasn't really a break up either because we were never official - so, I guess I called us off and was just stating that for the sake of our careers, to avoid risking the band and all our friendships and everything we have built, that if we don't continue, whatever we had, that everything will just end up better, we'd be more successful, we'd be happy, it wouldn't be complicated. 

but I think I fucked it all up further, made it more painful, complicated it's been months and it still hurts.

and now I know that I'd risk all, the entire world, any future happiness, fame and fortune, everything. I don't care anymore.

I risk it all for rye.

tears well up in my eyes. but I fight them back.

and how was I supposed to know he'd get with Cody. like they kissed in a game of truth and dare and they just kinda became a thing. and I know that they've has sex a couple times too, I've spoken to Cody about it, yaknow in a best friend way. I can't hide from the fact there is some level of physical attraction between them; I mean they're both stunning people. I just have this thought in the back of my head that she is a rebound for him, I know what he felt toward me, not being narcissistic but I know what we have..had... is true, it was real. and then I also know she has just come out of a long-term relationship. and I know her and rye good friends and stuff so there's a level of chemistry, however, she said herself that she doesn't think there is anything else there apart from a good friendship and sexual tension I remember that conversation so clearly yaknow like.... ughhh

I feel my thoughts spiralling into a dark void that I don't want to enter tonight. 

I realise I'm still stood in the middle of the room. I get changed and climb into bed.

I put my headphones in and listen to a chill playlist. I can't sleep so I just listen.

hostage by Billie Eilish comes on, a lump forms in my throat on the lines 

'nothing hurts when I'm alone, and you're with me, and we're alone' 

because I thought I'd be okay being alone, but it hurts more than ever, and I can't stand it.

all I want now is to go back to the way it used to be. but I know that can't happen, andy, who are you kidding, I tell myself, he's moved on with your best friend. there is nothing you can do.

I lay there for hours. it must be about 3 in the morning, I feel like I'm about to fall asleep and then I feel and hand touch my arm.

"umm andy, you awake?" a voice whispers softly into my ear sending goose bumps across my entire body

It's rye.