It's Hard to say I Love you. *A KOTLC Fanfiction*

Breakfast

Hey guys. Okay, first off, let me apologize. I didn't mean to be gone this long but my life is in a really bad place right now.

So, Imma vent to you about my problems, but if you want to skip ahead, feel free. I just need to rant.

Okay, so I guess the thing in my life that sucks the worse is that my cat died. I mentioned her in my earlier authors notes. Her name was Coco, and she was only 6 months old. Apparently she got some kind of virus, probably from her mother, which cause fluid buildup in her chest. We had to put her down a little while ago.

I think the part that sucks worst is how unexpected it was. It all happened in the course of two days. She got really lethargic, and I knew something was wrong, but I just thought it was the flu or a cold or something. We took her to the vet, just to be sure. And when the doctors came back and told us it was just... shocking. I had been drinking Hot Cocoa, and laughing with my dad in the waiting area all while my cat was dying. She was only 6 months old. When I took her to the vet, I never thought it would happen.

Did you know it costs money to put an animal down? I know why it does, because it costs money to buy the chemicals and all that but it still just feels wrong to pay to kill your cat. 

I only got about 5 minutes to say goodbye, and they were honestly the hardest five minutes of my life. And the car ride home was... I can't even explain it. Everything was wrong. Coco was adorable, playful, sweet, comforting... she didn't deserve any of this.  

And then we got home, and she wasn't there. I kept expecting to see her. Or I would do habits like closing the door fast so she couldn't run outside. And every time I did something like that, it happened all over again. I couldn't handle it. I ended up freaking out, destroying her cat tower and just crying and screaming. The entire world felt wrong. Coco wasn't supposed to die.

Honestly, Coco was the thing I kept myself going for. I would wake up in the morning and just play with her or cuddle her. But then she was gone. I couldn't get up in the morning, spending all day in bed. I wasn't eating much, my grades were failing, but I couldn't do anything to help it. I felt so utterly helpless at that time. I couldn't save Coco, and I couldn't even keep myself going.

I relapsed quite a bit, slipping back into self harm. Everything around me was just falling apart. That's the main reason I took so long to update. It felt wrong, to do anything that could be fun when Coco was gone. Why should I get to keep going, even though every day felt awful? Why couldn't Coco live instead of me, because she always seemed so much happier.

The fact that my lifelong best friend, (We'll call her Amy) and I just fell apart. I know it's a natural thing, especially as we grow older, to drift from our old friends, but it still hurt. Really, we've been drifting apart for about a year now. I kept fighting to try and stick together, to try and hold on but I'm just so tired of fighting. The only thing for me to do is let go.

And now that she's gone, I'm realizing how little friends I actually have. My other ex-best friend and I have barely talked all year. Nothing happened between us we just... went separate ways. My other friend and I are changing, and we're not as close as we used to be.

So that leaves me with no one really. I've never been a person to have many friends, usually just having a few close ones. But now they're all gone and I just feel utterly alone. I know I have my family, and I know they love me so much, and I love them too. But I have no one else.

And now, It's getting close to my birthday, (June 22nd) and I'm realizing that I'm not ready. I'm not ready to grow up, to get older, to move on. Everything around me is moving so fast, and I feel stuck, trying to catch my footing, but i can't when my entire life is spinning out of control. I want to just go back two years, when I had my best friends, when I didn't have depression, when I didn't self harm, when life was easy.