It's All My Fault

Let's Be Honest

Zoe and I stayed up the entire night laughing at memes and talking about things that happened to us over the past few weeks. I didn't realized how much I missed having my bestfriend by my side until now. I kind of felt bad knowing that I blocked her out because of Ryan having all of my attention. I actually thought that I could've stayed in New York with him and live happily ever after. Clearly I was drunk in love. If it weren't for Regina though, I'd probably be living on the streets of NY broke as hell.

"So I know Ryan as super nice to you but you didn't really explain why you left him in New York" Zoe teased.

I stared at the ceiling as I rested my head back on her silk pillows.

"I'm not gonna lie, Ryan was a good guy. He told me the nicest things, took me to the nicest places and he was there for me through the whole situation with my mom and dad..." I paused as tears began to form in my eyes.

Zoe slowly moved around to my side of the bed, hugging me from the side in silence.

"I was in love with him. That's one definite statement I can make. If we had this conversation weeks ago, I would've told you 'we're in love' but his actions said the opposite. He was still in love with his ex, Lola, and he refused to admit it. I should've ended things from the first time I saw a conversation between them but I didn't because he always apologized and said the sweetest things to keep me wrapped around his finger. I finally decided to leave when I met this girl at the park who turned out to be Lola... I knew she knew who I was, and she had this look on her face that told me she owned Ryan..." I stuttered as I looked at the diamond ring on my finger.

"What's that?" Zoe asked intriguingly as she grabbed my hand inspecting the princess cut rock.

Tears streamed down my eyes. I remembered the night Ryan gave this to me, telling me that he loved me and that the next step was marriage.

"He gave me this as a promise r..." Before I could even finish my sentence Zoe yanked the ring off of my finger, throwing it across the room.

My mouth dropped in shock.

"Zoe! That cost a lot of money!" I screeched.

"So? The first step of getting over a break up is to get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex, no matter how special it is. That's what I did after Kaleb and I broke up and I hardly think about him" She said in a proud tone.

Sometimes I wish I was as strong as Zoe when it came to dealing with my emotions as it relates to boys. She always make it seems to easy to not get fully attached.

"I know Zo.. but still, it isn't even about him right now, I really liked that ring" I groaned.

"Fine, I'll go look for it if it's that important to you" She said before hopping off the bed and crawling on her shiny marble tiles in search for my ring.

It took her about 10 minutes and I began to feel myself fall asleep until I heard her shout "Found it!"

She walked over to the bed with a disappointed look on her face.

"Umm.. what's the matter?" I asked in a confusing tone.

"Bitch, REAL diamonds just don't fall out of the ring after a weak teenage girl throws it across a room! He lied to you, it was fake!"

I wasn't even mad at the fact that it was fake. It didn't really matter to me, even if it wasn't as expensive as I thought it was it was a pretty ring and a never gave me a ring before.

I sat on the bed in silence as Zoe continuously ranted about how trash Ryan was as a person and that I deserved better. Did I really? It always felt that things fell a part because of things I couldn't fix about myself. I couldn't fix the fact that I came from an abusive family, I couldn't fix the fact that I wasn't as happy as other girls my age and I couldn't fix the fact that I wasn't as pretty as Lola. I started to think that I was stupid to believe Ryan loved me in the first place? Why would he love a girl like me? I began to shift the blame from him being an idiot and thought it was my fault that he left. I just wasn't enough.

Zoe realized that I wasn't responding and tried to change the subject.

"Sooo... Regina seems pretty nice" She stammered.

"Yea, she's amazing. I gave her a hard time at first since I hate therapists but she showed me that she didn't give me advice because of her job but it was because she genuinely cared for me. I'd never forget her especially after she drove all the way over here from New York just to make sure I was in a safer place" I proudly replied.

"I'm glad that you had someone like that by your side. I totally forgot to mention how gorgeous she is as well" Zoe's tone shifted to one of admiration.

She was right; Regina was one of the most gorgeous females I have ever met. I wasn't expecting to have such a young therapist but I guess her looks played in a role in why I didn't want to bitch out on her as much as I did with my other therapists. My parents sent me to a lot of old, boring looking therapists that made it even harder for me to want to go to therapy. Regina on the other hand had a young, fun and free spirit.

Zoe had the biggest smile on her face as I kept on talking about Regina. It kind of freaked me out for a while so I decided to change the topic to her love life and coping with being cheated on and all.

"Zo, one thing that I always envied about you was how easily you got over guys; I'm really not sure how you do it. If I were you I'd still be crying my eyes out and wanting to kill Travis" I said.

She gave me a concerning look before speaking.

"Please don't tell me you still wail over that guy" She chuckled.

"Of course I don't, I was just saying.." I replied.

Of course I do. I still lowkey listen to Marvin's Room by Drake every night howling like a baby seal over Ryan.

"The only reason why it's easy for me to get over boys is because I never had serious feelings for a guy" She sighed.

This was confusing as hell considering that she and Travis were together for almost 7 months without breaking up and I pretty sure that's a decent time to have serious feelings for someone. I don't know I operate differently or Zoe's the weird one here. This had me questioning if her and Travis' relationship was even real considering that I looked up to them. I always had low expectations when it came to love because of how father treated my mother. They also seemed so happy in public but behind closed doors they resented each other. That was my only real experience of love before Zoe and Travis came along, so yeah, I'm confused as to what Zoe's trying to tell me right now.

"What do you mean you never had serious feelings for a guy? So you're basically saying that you lied to him when you told him you loved him and all of that extra cute stuff?" I asked, trying to keep my anger and frustration inside.

I was 4 seconds away from thinking that love wasn't real again.

"Sigh.. you'll never understand Jodie.." she told me in a dismissive voice.

"Are you serious right now? What is so hard to understand about the fact that you blatantly lied to me and gave me false hopes about love? Maybe if you told me from the start that you weren't serious about him I probably wouldn't have had high hopes for Ryan in the first place!" I choked as I spoke, tears flowing from my eyes.

"Just leave it alone Jodie! You just won't get it!" She shouted.

"Out of everything that I've been through you just had to top it off by not being real to me.." I quickly got off of the bed, walking towards her bedroom door.

"Where are you going?" Zoe asked.

I didn't reply.

She gripped my hand, pulling me back into her bed and I tried to get away from her.

"Let me go Zoe!" I kept trying to get away but she was way stronger than me.

She pulled me into the bed and I clumsily fell on top of her. Zoe pulled my face in for a kiss. Even though I was slightly confused I kissed her back.

"Do you understand now?" She whispered.