Not My Brute (Angels of War Series #2)

Chapter Thirty

I try to understand why Bret is so determined to push me away. I understand his problems. I know that lashing out is his only way of knowing how to cope when situations get tough. But, I'm worth more than to be someone's punching bag.

"Another cup of tea, darling," mum says, appearing outside with a packet of biscuits in her free hand.

It's warm today for a January morning at the sanctuary, so I decided to chill out on the patio area that leads towards my parents garden for a bit. Contemplating on life and how I feel that I have no control over it.

I sip on the tea after mum passes over the huge mug, grateful that she put a little extra sugar than usual. "What biscuits we having today?"

The bright orange packet catches my eye. "Hobnobs. You want some?"

"I can't say no," I respond, taking the biscuits from her hand.

Mum rests the packet on her knee after taking a few out. "I can tell something or someone is eating at you."

I glance up. "It's Bret. Things aren't as good as I'd hoped for."

It takes my mum a few seconds of studying my face to realise what's wrong. She just gets me. "Darling, you're not yourself."

My fingers drag up and down my forearm in a gentle pattern, hard enough to feel it but soft enough to keep away the pain. "I don't feel like me anymore. Over the years, I lost who I was and what I stood for and that's hard for me. I've spent so much time relying on other people - boyfriends to define me, and it's really freaking depressing."

"You lost yourself?"

For the past however many years people recognise me as someone's partner. It's never Diana the sweet girl or Diana the one who chases her dreams. It's Diana so-and-so's girlfriend.

"I don't recognise me. I had all of these crazy ambitions when I left school. I wanted to become a nurse, to travel to different countries, to kiss lots of different boys at house parties where nobody is actually sure who lives there. I wanted to live my life and I've got this horrible ache in my tummy that says I'm not staying true to myself."

"Baby," Mum says, dragging her chair over here, hands securely around my fingers. "I had no idea that you were feeling this way. Why didn't you speak to me? I can help."

My head moves from side to side as I realise even I wasn't aware of these feelings until last night when I was forced to take a step back and look at my life.

"I wasn't aware I felt this way until Cameron called to say Timmy was unwell and Bret chewed me out for running to them at the click of Cameron's fingers. The thing is...I haven't been able to be me for several years. I feel like I'm always helping other people, when my number one priority should be me."

The light pink eyeshadow glitters on my mums lids when she blinks under the sun, tossing her thick black curls over the other side of her neck. "It's always been you last on your priorities. Even when you were a child. You struggled to say no to people and ended up making yourself ill over pleasing others. It'd be nice for you to do you for once."

It's true. I'm the definition of a people pleaser. "I wouldn't know where to start."

Mum smiles, "I do if you're willing to listen."

"I'm all ears," I respond.

I watch Buster sprint around the paddock across from us as one of our patients throw his ball in the distance while Mum gets a grip on her words. I'm curious as to what she's going to say, knowing she does nothing by halves. Jumping out of a plane comes to mind or climbing Mount Everest.

"I found out about this beach clean programme where you travel all over the world to help in tidying up plastic from the beaches. It's funded by a foundation that recycle plastics into reusable things and they've done some amazing projects. The sanctuary got sent an invitation to the one in Bali and I want you to go."

What a life changing experience that would be. "How long is it for?"

"One week, but you can choose to prolong your stay if you enjoy it. I think it would be the making of you," she replies.

"And, when would I leave?"

Mum tries to hide her smile. "The last date to leave is the 8th of this month."

I mentally count the days in my head. "That makes it next Monday."

"It does. I have a friend who's running it with her son. They cleared tonnes and tonnes worth of plastics off the beaches last year and the charities want them back this year to carry on with it."

Plastics are a big ass problem for our planet. "People need to seriously start recycling. It's doing the sea-life so much harm."

Mum nods. "It's a pandemic."

"Do I need to sign up somewhere?"

She claps her hands. "You're thinking about it?"

"No," I reply to which her smile lessens, until I clarify. "I'm doing it."

...

Thank you all for your messages of concern! You're the best 😘😘😘