Help Me

Thoughts

Mikey

His head overwhelmed him, even on a good day. Just the constant thoughts and anxiety, the thoughts that kept him quiet for an hour or two, the thoughts that made him think far too much, the thoughts that lost him sleep.
The thoughts that he didn't share with anyone.
Perhaps couldn't was a better word for how he was feeling.

He knew it was bad for him to keep everything bottled up, but he just couldn't get the words to come out.

So that's how he found himself lying in the park at 3:00 in the morning, staring up at the stars far above him.
He'd been doing this recently now, waiting until everyone was asleep before sneaking out for an hour or two. Just to clear his head.
But it never stayed clear for very long.
He was just so tired, all the time. Mikey never felt rested anymore, just exhausted and sluggish.

Blair knew all about his anxiety. After all, it was something that he needed to know about. The boys didn't, because Mikey wanted to be the one to tell them... But he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to look into their eyes as he told them the truth. He couldn't look into their eyes, knowing full well that he had lied to them for about a year about his anxiety.

He never saw himself as someone with mental health issues, but he knew that he would definately have some if he kept this up.

Blair was good to him though. If he ever felt like he needed to go home for a bit he would let him go, but only after he'd done a small bit of work here and there. He even offered to drive him If he was home, and Mikey was grateful.
He knew that the boys noticed that he went home often, but they didn't say anything. As far as they were concerned, Mikey suffered from homesickness.

He sighed heavily then, closing his eyes, letting the cool breeze gently blow over him, ruffling his hair slightly.

He had the best job in the world, meeting fans, touring the country and living with his best friend's. But it came at a heavy price.
The distance from family. Private life known by the thousands. Little to no privacy, what with five men living in one room together. The strict diet. Barely having an escape to any of it.

Yet he wouldn't change it for the world. He had four of the greatest friends. He trusted them. He cherished them. He felt accomplished when he made them laugh. He felt protective.
But somehow he couldn't bring himself to be truthful.
He lied to his best friend's.

He sighed again, and opened his eyes, yawning. Maybe it was time to head back.

Not quite yet, he thought. Ten more minutes.

The darkness calmed him somehow. Out here, he felt free, in an odd way. He knew that if he spoke out loud here, he wouldn't get judged.

Yes, it was reckless, but he didn't know what else to do.

Singing was his life, but sometimes he hated being the centre of attention. So he acted like it didn't bother him. But it did. Mikey took comfort in the thought that the boys would always be by his side. He smiled softly as he thought about them.
They would be lying fast asleep, not even aware that he was out in the dark, and the cold.
Luckily he thought to put a shirt on before he left.

Then he felt the wind change slightly. The sense of warmth that had been there before no longer lingered, in fact it had disappeared altogether, leaving a bitterness and coldness to the air. He shivered.

Right. Definately time to head back now.

With a yawn he clambered to his feet, checking that his phone was still in his short pocket.
And then slowly, he picked his way through the darkness.

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The next part will be out in the next day or two.

Thanks for reading!
WolfGirl.