Help Me

Calling His Mum

Mikey

Each ring sent Mikey's nerves into haywire. Each ring seemed to shoot right into his ear drums before trailing electricity down his spine, the sensation of crackling, static electricity causing his body to tremble.

"Mikey?"
His mother's voice was breathless, the kind that indicated that she had run to the phone. But Mikey recognised that breathlessness as something else; it was like she was shocked to hear his voice, and that thought made his throat close up.

He felt guilty. Ashamed. Weak.

Pathetic.

"Mum?"
He could barely get the word out, and his eyes watered in record time.

"Oh Mikey..." Jackie began.

"I'm sorry mum."
Mikey hung his head, sniffing. He screwed his face up as he tried not to cry.

This was exactly why he had avoided his mother's calls. He didn't know how long he'd last before he completely broke down. He really didn't. And he didn't want to break down, as he'd said so many times before. Because there were so many other people with worse situations than he had. And he didn't even have a bad situation, if he was being honest. Mikey had just had unfortunate timing; that's how he saw it anyway. Other people might say differently, but he didn't see it that way.

"Shush Mikey, you have nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't your fault."
Her tone shifted ever so slightly, to a weak desperation. Almost.

Mikey didn't respond. Even though Rye had told him this before, he still wasn't sure if he believed it. And although he viewed it as unfortune timing, he still believed it to be his fault. He had made the reckless decision to leave the flat that morning, and no one else. He had been the one that hadn't told anyone that he was struggling It was his fault.

But he was starting to see how it wasn't his fault. It was just bad luck that that man had been out at the exact same time, how they had just so happened to cross paths when they had. All because he had stayed out for another ten minutes.

What were the chances of that?

"Why didn't you tell me how bad it was getting?"
Mikey's mother's voice broke through his thoughts, jolting him back into the present. He struggled to come up with a reply.

"I dont know... It was just the thought of having to say that all the progress I'd made since the last time, all down the drain again. I couldn't bring myself to admit it mum... I didn't want to."
The words flowed out do naturally, as if he'd practised what he was going to say beforehand... When in reality he was just spouting utter nonsense. Or maybe he was just getting better at expressing himself, talking to people, being honest with those close to him...

"I wish I had."
Mikey whispered the last part, not wanting his mother to hear, but since when had luck been on his side?

"Don't think like that Mikey, please... The good thing is that you've admitted it now, to me and to the boys."
He stared up at the ceiling with watery eyes. He had done that, admit it to everyone.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Telling them did make it easier, but..." He trailed off with a sniffle.

"But what?"

"But it just means that they worry more mum. You didn't see them those first few days... They were wrecks. Because of me. I did that to them." Mikey frantically pressed his sleeves against his eyes when his vision blurred, hoping to wipe away the tears. His breath shook, and he hoped that his mother didn't pick up on it.

Why couldn't he just have a normal conversation with anyone anymore?

"Yes, they may worry more... But isn't that what you would do if you were in their position?"