Mr. Harry Styles

9 Away and back

The bottom of the bottle was nearly reached. Louis and Zayn, my friends, was sitting next to me. They both seemed to want to help me, but it didn't matter what they told me.

"You can't drink away your life!"

"He's not worth it!"

"Please, Niall, stop this."

I couldn't bother. I know that Harry wasn't worthy this behavior. I would rather stand with a straight back and tell him that I could do life without him, but my body refused to listen to my mind.

"I'm fine." I said, but I showed them in fact that that wasn't the case.

It was as if life passes me and I had it. I can't explain it in other words, I fell to the ground. This was something new for me. I had been burned by girls before, but this was the bottom of what I managed to cope. Harry was perhaps not the man in my life, or even the woman as I wanted, but the betrayal hurt me. Yes, it was as if he said one thing and then showed me the truth in a different way. I wasn't surprised, but I was angry that he couldn't tell the truth. Maybe it was Liam who took advantage over him? Perhaps they had made a deal in which sex was the payment? Still, I chose to be angry. He could have been honest from the beginning.

I become that person as my brother saw. I drank when I could, worked when I could, and I didn't care about life. I landed in the fog, in the dark, and somehow I managed anyway to not die. I must admit that I might react bottom a little too much. Normally I was out for a week and then did I take hold over life. But this time it was as if I couldn't get a grip on reality. It was as if I lost my heart, or half my body, but I didn't managed to do anything.

"Now you're satisfied?" I screamed into the phone. My brother Greg was sleeping when I called. I had taken a whole bottle of liquor and I had become totally paralyzed and the only thing I could yell at, was at him for the moment.

"Niall I slept." was his excuse. I laughed cold and I landed with my back to the floor in my kitchen.

"Damn fucking fuck, I don't care. I just want to tell you that you can be happy. There will be no girlfriend or boyfriend for your brother. Are you happy now? Is that how it should be? I'm sure you're sitting at home in your perfect house and laughs. I want to hear you laugh, and I want to hear what you say to your fucking perfect wife and son about me, your fucking brother as aren't like you at all....?"

I didn't care about his reaction and even what would come after this. The only thing I had in my head was that he hated me, he hated Harry and he had a right to hate us both.

"Niall stop."

I laughed cold and I felt how the whole world was spinning around.

"Oh, you want me to stop?" I shouted out straight. "No, I'm not going to quit. I'll never stop and you get the hell to be satisfied with your brother, with me, with Niall. I can't change, and how I live my life is up to me, but for once you got right. I can't fucking be with a man who fucks others and damn what wrong it is for me. Should I also mention that I'm totally blown out in the head? I don't understand how I could be so crazy that I believed in a relationship with him and now you laughs about that? I can hear how you laugh..."

Yes, I got a behavior that wasn't me. It felt like the world was against me and as if I still couldn't get what I wanted. I realized that I was one of those who always lost and in that, I lost myself. I had no idea what I wanted in life, and even that it was partly my fault, I blamed everything on Harry.

Six months went by. I slowly began to slide back to something more normal. I got a permanent job at a factory and I moved to a new area. Slowly I removed everything about my old life and I started over. It felt in a way okay, but at the same time I couldn't stop thinking about Harry. I wanted in a way find out if he really did all that with hormones and surgery, but at the same time I wanted to put him behind me.