Without The Thought of Him

six years and eleven months ago

"Have you heard this song? It's honestly pretty good."

Isaac glances over at the iPod that was held up for him to look at, raising his eyebrows when he sees it was Adele. 

"Rolling in The Deep? Never heard of it." he hums and shrugs his shoulders, eyes flickering up to the bright blue ones that were staring right back at him.

"Yeah, that's because it came out a few days ago. It's so catchy though, you have to listen to it. Don't tell anybody I'm listening to it though, I'm supposed to be listening to Lil Wayne. Gotta keep up my badass reputation." Sam murmurs a bit quieter than before and snorts afterwards, beaming wide as he leans into his friend. "At least I'm not listening to One Direction right now like you are."

Isaac's brows remain furrowed as he looks at the boy in disbelief.

"Everything you just said was just.. who even are you?" Isaac laughs and shakes his head. "And I'm not listening to One Direction right now. I'm listening to.. ah fuck it I'm listening to One Direction."

But seriously, who even was Sam? Sometimes it was so difficult talking to the boy because he was just so different. Not different in a bad way, different in a good way. A very good way. Isaac wasn't used to being around somebody he got along with so fucking well. He didn't even talk to his own close friends like he talked to Sam, which was why he was always questioning the boy and his presence in his life.

Who the hell allowed him into his life like this? He knew it was bound to be a disaster in the end.

A lot of the times Isaac couldn't help but to be negative like this because everything else in his twelve-year-old life has seriously gone to complete shit. He just really hoped this didn't turn out to be a bad experience either.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." Sam grins before he leans back in his seat. Neither of them really knew what they were supposed to be doing right now. Mrs. Baste had said something about an integers worksheet but they both knew that wasn't going to get done.

Having Sam in his Spanish and math was definitely a treat but it was also pretty dangerous. Isaac knew it wasn't smart to let someone else pretty much control his entire life. But with Sam, it was like he couldn't even control his ability to control that.

"Isaac and Sam, are you two doing what you're supposed to be doing?" Mrs. Baste had finally noticed the lack of work that was getting done between the two.

Sam is quick to answer, flashing a grin at their teacher.

"Yeah, I was just asking Isaac about number one. We're both pretty confused and I was wondering if you could do it on the board just so we have an example to go by." Sam shrugs his shoulders casually, looking at her. At this point, the whole room is silent and listening to what Sam had to say. Fuck, this was more embarrassing for Isaac than it should be.

Mrs. Baste eyes the young boy, tilting her head to the side slowly. Her lips were pursed and her eyebrows were raised, giving everybody the impression that she was about to drag the fuck out of the boy.

"Good idea, Sam. But I want you to help me talk through the problem. It'll help you and the rest of the class understand a lot better." she ends up saying, which was one hundred times better than what Isaac thought she was going to reply. He exhales softly as Sam laughs out beside him.

"Sure thing, Mrs. B. Tell me where to start."

Isaac doesn't pay too much attention to the discussion Sam and the teacher were having about fucking numbers. He didn't care about that. His mind was on much more important things, like food and music. Oh, and tumblr of course. He couldn't fucking wait to get home and browse his dashboard. Liking and reblogging depression quotes and gifs was his literal life after school.

He didn't really like showing off that he was dealing with depression. He enjoyed making others laugh, not only did it make others happy but it also made him more confident with himself. It was almost like his job being the 'funny one' in his friend group. So he didn't have any room nor time to be sad. But holding everything in wasn't the best thing for his mental health.

So many people struggled with the same thing he did; hiding so much pain and self-hatred and having to wear a mask around their friends or family every day. There were so many kids who did everything possible to shelter their feelings and remain happy on the outside. No one really ever offered any help to those people because they never saw a reason to do so.

A lot of the visibly happy people were the ones who hurt the most. Obviously there were kids who did show they were hurting as well, and a lot of the time nothing was done to help them either. Schools didn't do shit to help anyone about anything.

So Isaac was going to remain depressed and continue to post those sad black and white photos of leafless trees and short quotes in italicized letters. It was the only way he knew how to cope.

"Wow, that's how you solve it then? I didn't realize it was that easy." Sam laughs out, causing the class to erupt in laughter. Isaac obviously wasn't aware of what was going on, but he smiles anyway, gazing at Sam who appeared to be pretty proud of himself at the moment.

"You a mathematician now, Samuel?" he snickers and presses his elbow into his friend's side. At least he could always count on Sam to make him feel better. The boy was always so upbeat and playful and incredibly positive about everything, it often made him wonder if Sam was experiencing the same pain he was.

Sometimes Isaac was tempted to send Sam a texting asking about his day or asking things that could get pretty deep. He longed to have that kind of relationship with someone, someone he could talk to about literally anything. Sometimes he felt like he and Sam did have that kind of bond, but other times he got scared and decided to push all of those feelings to the back of his head. It wasn't even worth it in the end.

"Yes I am, Isaac. Are you jealous? Because you really should be. I'm going to finish this worksheet before you and I'm going to turn it in before showing you the answers to copy." he smirks, giving him a satisfied look before his eyes and the pencil in his hand go back to the paper in front of him.

Isaac snorts and shrugs, leaning back in his seat.

"Wow, you're going to let me fail like that? Not cool, you're such a fake friend." he teases, watching the concentrated boy. He was obviously joking and didn't think math was that serious. But for some reason his words seemed to really bother Sam. The boy looks up, slightly squinting his eyes at him. His body becomes much more tense than before, which Isaac's never experienced before with the gregarious boy.

"I'm not a fake friend, Isaac. You know that, bro. I'm like, your only friend." Sam laughs at the last part but Isaac could tell he was still being serious. He blinks a couple of times, eyebrows high as he listens to Sam's serious and somewhat defensive tone.

"Only friend? The fuck?" he cackles. "Relax, it was a joke. I know we're friends, even though you're not my only friend. Where did that even come from?"

Sam continues to look at him, his lips pressed together quite tightly as his eyes search his face. It was a strange feeling, especially since it was a guy looking at him this way. He wasn't sure why the boy was being so meditative right now. Did he words genuinely upset him? He couldn't even see how they could've.

"I'll give you the answers, don't worry. I was already going to give you them anyways." Sam ends up responding with a shrug. He then finally smiles, life cascading back into his beryl eyes. "I'm going to make sure they're all the wrong answers though."