Without The Thought of Him

six years and nine months ago

"Isaac, could you grab a knife for the butter? My hands are full right now."

Isaac knew what his mother was trying to do. She was trying to get him moving, get him active instead of just sitting there like he has been for the past couple of days. She was trying to make him feel better about the whole situation, but in reality he really wasn't sure if that was going to be possible.

It's been about a month since Sam's mom's death and it really did shake up their entire community. Living in Vegas meant everybody knew everybody. Even with its population close to a million people, they were all somehow connected. It could be a bad thing when he did something shitty around adults that knew his mom, but a great thing when it came to grief and coming together after something tragic happens.

Everybody knew about Cindy, Sam's mother, prior to the incident. She was such a nice lady who cared about her children more than anything in the world. Sam and his older sister, Oliva, were her pride and joy and all of the people in the city knew that.

The way she went was just absolutely tragic and something no one could truly comprehend. They were waiting for her Prius to pull up to her house every evening and for her to get out with the biggest smile on her face like she always did.

Both her and that car were gone though. There was no more waiting and there was no more smiles.

The whole situation was hitting Isaac hard. Death was fucked up and was something that he would probably always be terrified of. Anybody could die at any given time and there was no way to take it back. They were just gone and that's it.

He was also pretty torn up because it was truly his best friend who was suffering the most. Sam seemed to never show up to school anymore, and when he did he was completely out of it. It was evident that he rarely slept or ate, the physical changes to his body were becoming more and more clear.

The two haven't spoken much since the day he told him the awful news. Isaac was of course completely understanding and wanted to give his friend as much space as he needed. But on the other hand he felt like he needed to be there for the boy and be supportive. Maybe he could do both of that stuff while keeping his distance, but still. It didn't feel right.

So yeah, he was kind of a fucking mess. No middle schooler should ever have to experience grief like this. It was more than a shame that Cindy went so soon.

He appreciated his mom trying to help him out of this funk but it was pretty hard to not be sad about it. He wasn't sure if this horrible feeling in his gut was ever going to go away.

"Isaac, mom is telling you to do something." Kennedy huffs and reaches across the couch to nudge her younger brother's side. Being the oldest child automatically gave her the power to demand her younger brother and sister to do anything, especially if their mom said it was okay.

Isaac knits his eyebrows together and gives the girl a look because he was annoyed she touched him like that. He stays slouched on the couch for a few more seconds before hauling himself up to go into the kitchen to help his mom out.

"Grab me a knife out of the drawer, please. Thank you baby." his mom repeats even though he's already standing at the drawer and grabbing a butter knife from the silverware organizer. He hands it over to her without making much eye contact, letting his eyes wander everywhere but his mom's face. He knew if he looked at her he'd burst into tears right away.

That's when his eyes settle on a knife. It was another kind of knife, one much bigger and sharper. It was laying toward the back of the drawer, almost as if it was intended to be hidden or something. It must be used for cutting meats, but fuck that thing was scary. He continues to gaze over at the slightly concealed knife when his mom reaches around him and closes the drawer gently.

"Come on, sweetie. Why don't you help me out with cooking?" she smiles extra wide, almost as if she caught him staring at the knife. It was like she was distracting him or something, which didn't make him feel any better.

"No, think I'm going to go upstairs and wash my face. I feel kind of warm." he murmurs in response, making his way right out of the kitchen and up the stairs. He catches Kennedy giving him a disgusted look on the way up. Isaac wanted to retort "sorry nobody's perfect like you", but he refrains.

He knew his choice of words weren't the best because now his mom was going to think he was coming down with something, but he'd deal with that later. Right now he really needed some alone time to take in all the crap that has been happening to him. He physically felt exhausted from experiencing so many emotions in such a short period of time.

As soon as Isaac reaches his room, he makes sure to shut the door behind him before grabbing his phone and plopping down on his bed. He sighs heavily as he unlocks his phone and instantly sees a text from Sam he must've missed. It was the first time the boy has texted him in a long time, so he was definitely anxious opening it. And when he does open it, his heart beat picks up a bit more. His anxiety levels were through the roof right now.

hey Isaac, it's Sam. you wanna hang out sometime?

At first he was more than confused to receive a text like that from Sam, especially under the circumstances he was currently under. But then again, Sam really fucking needed a friend right now. Someone to be there for him and to be supportive. This was Isaac's chance.

of course!! just let me know when and where bc i'm always available!

He sends the message and clicks out of his texts, going to his photos where he was going to watch a few funny videos he had saved last night. He doesn't have much time to do that because he almost immediately receives a text back from Sam.

Isaac bites down on his bottom lip when he reads over the plans.

let's meet up by the cemetery on Sunset and Breeze tomorrow morning. 7:00am.

(a/n: hmm what is that knife scene all about?)