How did I get here?

Chapter 25

Today was my first appointment with Mrs.Rick my new therapist. She knocks on my door around noon and I go over and answer it.
"Pleasure to meet you," she says shaking my hand.
"Thanks for coming," I say and we go over and sit on the couch.
She reaches into her bag and pulls out a notepad and pen.
"Before we begin I want you to rant," she says.
"About what?" I ask, this seemed like an odd way to start out.
"Everything your problems, worries, relationships, whatever's on your mind." She said smiling at me so wide it reminded me of a kindergarten teacher. Even though I was home schooled I always saw them when I passed the school yard.
"Okay," I had never completely told all of my life feelings to someone I just met. "Well I feel like I've lost who I am," I say and she writes something on her notepad.
"And why do you believe that is," she said.
"My soon to be ex-husband, he was so abusive to me in so many ways. Growing up a five my specialty was music and as I got older I believed that I really was talented. Then I married Tyler, and every time I tried to practice he would tell me how awful it sounded and how terrible I was. Now, whenever I play music I can't get his negative words out of my head and now I believe them."
Mrs.Ricks nodded sympathetically and wrote some more things down on her notepad.
"So are you saying music is the only thing that defines who you are?" She asked me and I really tried to think of an answer. 
"Honestly it sometimes feels like it's all I have left," I say.
"What about family and friends?"
"I do have them and I love them, it's just I don't feel like any of them would understand. Music has always been a way for me to express my emotions without saying anything and I don't let people in very easily, but music seems like something I can always turn to."
"Hmm," She said deep in thought, as she scribbled more notes down.
"I feel like this all makes me sound so hopeless," I say and let out a sad smile.
"Not hopeless," she says and puts a hand on my knee, "just lost." She moves her hand away as I consider her words. "Look America, I can see that you've built up your walls so high and don't want to let anyone in. It may not be easy after everything you have been through, but try to at least give people a sporting chance at breaking those walls down. What you need right now more than anything, is people. I don't think you see it, but there are so many people who love and care about you, you just have to let them in."
"How can I let anyone is if I don't even know who I am?"
"I want you to make a list of positive things about your self," she starts.
"Like," I say and I feel awful that I can't think of a single think.
"Your talented, you've got a good heart, you care about others, you have a fire in your spirt."
"I'm not sure if that last one is such a good thing," I say.
"If used correctly it can be an amazing trait," she says.
"I feel like I've lost that fire," I say and look down at my hands.
"Oh it's there you just have to find it," she says.
"Okay so make a list of positive things and then what?" I ask.
"Then I want you to say them to yourself in front of a mirror morning and night," she says.
"Will that even work?" I say.
"I've seen it work," she says. "I believe if you remember these positive things about yourself then, you will be able to find who you are again."
"I guess it's worth a shot," I say.
"I will ask to see the list next time I see you," she says.
"Wait your not leaving yet are you," I say, I still had more I felt like I needed help with.
"No what else is bothering you," she says.
"How do you know if you can trust someone?" I ask and she seems to pause, a little taken back by my question.
"Are you having trust issues with someone?" She asks.
"I don't want to go into that right now, will you please just answer my question. How can I know if I can trust someone?"
"First evaluate if they have ever lied to you before," she starts, but I interrupted her. 
"Hold on I want to write this down," I say and quickly get up and rummage through my bedside table until I find a notebook and a pencil.
"Okay so see if they have lied before," I say as a write is down and nod for her to continue.
"Then talk to the person about why you may not trust them," she says and I hold up my finger so she stops and I can write that down.
"Then what?"
"Then you work the issue out the best you can with the person if you really care about them," she says.
"That might be hard for me," I say.
"This isn't about trusting your ex-husband is it?" She asks.
"No, I'm never speaking to him again after the divorce hopefully," I say.
"Then who is this about?" She asks.
I silently debate in my head if I should tell her and finally I cave, after all everything I say is confidential.
"It's about Maxon, he talked about my personal life on tv and now I'm wondering if he has my best intentions at heart," I say and she nods, I can tell she is trying to stay calm, but is really freaking out on the inside. Just then I heard a sneeze coming from the doorway and I immediately turn my head to the source of sound. Low and behold there is no one other than Maxon standing there.
"How long have you been standing there?" I ask standing up and approaching him, the anger thick in my voice.
"I wish I could say just for a moment, but the whole time."
"Why so you can exploit more of my personal life on tv?" I ask.
"No," I says and grabs my hands, I feel a small buzz of electricity, but I quickly pull away not liking that feeling I haven't felt in so long. "America I listened in so I would know how to help you."
"Maxon your not my boyfriend or husband so stop acting like it," I say.
"America, I just want to see you happy," he says.
"Then get out of my life," I say.
"You know I can't do that," he says and I slam the door in his face before he can say anything else.
"We will talk about that problem next time," Mrs.Ricks says, I completely forgot she was here. "Remember to write your positive things and say them," she adds as she quickly gathers up her stuff and walks out the door, then I'm alone again.
Fun fact I considered making Mrs.Ricks Maxon dressed up, but then decided against it😂😂