Is It So Wrong? ~ A COMPLETED One Direction Fanfiction ~ EDITING

18 - What Aren't You Telling Me?

**A/N**: Hey guys, just want to apologize for posting this later than when I told PhilipWazHear123 I would post it. To make up for that AND because she leaves lovely comments (or yells at me to tell me to update and such) this chapter is dedicated to her.

ANYWAYS, comment/vote/fan if you'd like and if you enjoy my story. Because that stuff means a lot to me. And also because I like serious feedback (I also love the not-so-serious comments that make me laugh)!

Kaaaay, enjoy the chapter before I write you a novel here.

-Abby

P.S. As of July 22nd, I have attached Niall Horan's X Factor audition to this chapter (to the right if you're on a computer, in the info for phone/iPod users). ENJOY IT.

************************************************************************************************************
*Liam's POV*
(June 1, 2010)

I'm sitting in my room, writing in my journal. I do this regularly, but no one knows about it. I record everything because it helps me think about all of the things that are going on around me. It especially helps distract me from the thoughts that start to pull me down into my depression. Why? I made a promise 5 months ago to not let those thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I don't think I have ever tried so hard to keep a promise in my life.

I'm scared now, though. I've been more stressed out than ever because I'm leaving for Birmingham in less than two weeks to audition for the X Factor again. Simon told me to wait for two years and then go back and it's time for me to go back. The problem is that the stresses involved with going back on the X Factor are putting a strain on all of my efforts. It gets harder each day to control myself. This is why I write.

Part of my promise was to try to talk to Niall about the things that are making me feel depressed so I can move on from them and because he wants me to rant as another way to distract myself from my other options, but he's been getting busier lately. He says he's working on something big, but I'm not allowed to know what it is. It's kind of like those artists who won't let anyone see their works in progress because they want to turn them into masterpieces before sharing what they've created.

Anyways, I haven't had Niall available for me to talk to as often recently and it makes me wonder what he's been up to. I know I should just go along with what he says because he has no reason to lie to me, but sometimes my imagination takes hold and tries to feed me alternate possibilities of what Niall is actually doing. The one that comes up the most is the thought that he might be secretly dating a girl...

This shouldn't be a big deal to me, right? I have no right to feel the way I feel about the idea of him being with somebody else, but I can't stop myself from doing it anyways... Because no matter how much I tried denying it before, I like Niall. A lot. More than I should. I didn't deny it at first, but when Sara came into the picture, I realized that I couldn't have these emotions. I shouldn't have them now, either, but I can't stop them and I've accepted that at last.

It's funny how that happened, actually. No, I lied; it's not funny so much as it is strange. It all started with me chasing a girl I thought I might actually like, back when Niall and I weren't talking. I kept chasing her even after Niall came back into the picture because I didn't want to admit that my emotions never went away... Anyways, she told me she could see that I was in love with somebody else. I didn't understand how she could see my emotions. I tried to deny them further. Then I made the promise to Niall and I questioned why I agreed to it. That's when I realized that I didn't want to be the reason that Niall was hurting; he said that me causing myself pain made him suffer, too, and I could tell that he meant it.

So, for five months now, I have worked against all odds to keep a promise I believed would be impossible not to break. I honestly didn't think I would last more than a month or two without breaking it, but here I am on the first day of June, waiting for Niall to come online for our usual chatting session. Here I am, writing in my journal about what made me realize that I'm stuck with these feelings for someone I will never be able to have.