LiarLiar

Chapter 39 - Envy

So before you start reading this I advise you play this in the background it'll help set the scene a lot better if the link doesn't work I just typed "relaxing music" into YouTube and it should be the second one

Enjoy

http://youtu.be/FHfIfGlNrx4

*Charlotte'sPointOfView*

The past few months have been a blur, I cannot remember the last time I smiled or laughed, I do not know when I last slept or had a meal. My mind drifts off and I have the craziest thoughts, the tears pinch my eyes as I try to stop them but it is no use, it never is. What is the point anymore, i have lost everything. Sitting here alone in this big house with nothing, nothing at all. I let my tears spill as I curl up into myself rocking back and forth in the grand wooden rocking chair. I reminisce about the better days when I was happy but I cannot seem to remember them. I think of how life would it be if things happened differently, if she did not overtake my body that day. I thank her yet I despise her, she has taught me a lot, I guess. I very strange messed up way she has made my life amazing and miserable, she has taught me that; Not everyone is your friend in this world, a lot of people say that they are, that they will always be there for you no matter what. But things change and jealously becomes a factor in every relationship.

I envy her, I envy her in every way. No not my demons anymore... Carla. She is happy, she has a family with Toby. Two beautiful healthy children and yet, here I am again. Praying, begging, weeping for another second chance. I have had too many second chances, maybe I should stop trying, maybe I am not supposed to be happy. Maybe that is the plan for me. To grow old, miserable and alone. To have my love leave me because I am unable to bless him with a family...

I look down as I hold my sleeping child in my arms, he is lifeless as he lays in my embrace and my tears fall on him. He is so peaceful... My sleeping child, he will be asleep forever now, safe and sound like the rest. Brushing the hair away from his face I flinch at his cold skin and the tears rush down my face. If only a mothers love was enough, I could wake him, feel the life in him again. Watch him smile one last time before putting him to rest.

"Sshh" I hush as he whimpers, but he doesn't, he does not whimper, he does not breath. I wish he would cry, I would anything to hear his sweet cry.

"Mummy's here" I sooth rocking back and forth.

"It's time" Justin calls from the door and I clutch onto my child tighter. I will not let go of him. I will not, not until he is ripped away from me I will not. Kill me before you take him so I don't have to face this pain again, let me die with him. Let me be with him forever.

"Let's go" I hum slowly, shakily getting up. Justin is the only family I have now, I did not want a funeral for my angel. No one would come. It would consist if Justin, the priest and I. Mum and dad are dead, Luca is with them now. Carla does not speak with me anymore and so Toby and Jack also cut off their relations and it is as if I was never their sister.

Justin has a few friends. Xzavier and Ryan. Ryan has a child too, it is like everyone around me has what I long for.

"I love you" he wraps his arms around me his soft lips pressing against my temple.

Our drive to the graveyard is quiet, like a lot of time we spend together lately. But it is a peaceful quiet. Justin reaches his hand over and places it on my leg in attempt to sooth and calm my tears.

"We're here" he stops the car and we both get out. His eyes bloodshot from crying, I cannot even imagine the colour of mine. Walking to the area where he will be buried I clutch onto him tighter reluctant to let go.

"We have to do this baby" he brushes my tears away as he stays strong for me. He has always been strong because he knows if he breaks that will be the end for us and I admire him for that, his strength is mine and right now, his strength is all I have.

The priest stands behind the coffin I lay my angel in and we say some prayers. Wrapping his arms around me Justin has to hold me back as I cry hysterically gripping his shirt for support falling to the ground giving in. Giving up, on love? Life? Fighting? I do not know but I give up.

"Burry me too" I cry watching the coffin get lowered into the ground

"Come here" Justin sits next to me cradling me his arms nuzzling his face into my neck letting his tears fall freely as mine soak his shirt

"We'll be okay" he promises rubbing my back

"Take me home" I beg him. Standing up he lifts me like a small child, like I held my son, our son. He cradles me to the car and lays me down in the back. The ride back home is quiet again, except the sound of my tears.

"Let's get you cleaned up" Justin leads me to the bathroom when we get home but I shake my head in response, I don't want to take away the feeling of holding Luca, not yet, not ever.

"Maybe one day we will wake up and this will all just be a dream" I look into his eyes and his pain shoots through my body and it is the worst feeling in the world to know the one you love in broken and there is nothing you can do, no glue strong enough to piece them back together. The pieces are so small and scattered that it would impossible to find all the parts to the broken boy who hold me and acts tough. Who pretends to be okay just to make sure the people he loves are.

"You always gotta smile" he would say when we were younger. And that is what he did. He would always smile, through thick and thin his beautiful smile never went anywhere. He smiled for his fans, his family, his friends. He smiled through the hurt of the loss of loved ones, he smiled through hate for years.

Yet here we are not three years after his career ended and I have forgotten his beautiful smile. His happiness has become foreign and there is no one to blame for that but me.

"I'll be here, forever" he makes another promise holding me once again

"Come to bed" he takes my hand walking up the stairs to our room

"He used to sleep right between us when he woke up" I remember his sweet smile when Justin would bring him to our bed

"We'll be okay" he repeats the phrase a few times his breath warm against my cold skin and I melt into him. It has been a while since he held me like this. His lips press against my temple for the second time today and his fingers lace between mine.

I look up at him, at his pale face and tired eyes.

"Lay down with me" I whimper feeling the weakness over take me as he lays me down under the covers before sliding in next to me. His arms tightly wrap around my waist, my head rests in his chest and I relax to the rhythm of his heart beat

"Everything is going to be alright" he uses his other hand to hold mine

"I love you" I whisper

"Sleep, when you wake up, this will all be over" he makes his third promise off today.

"Justin.." I begin but I feel myself fall before I can finish and the tears pool again

"Charlotte" he breaths, but his voice is distant, more distant than usual. It is like he's standing a million miles away from me and we are in a cave, the only way I am hearing his voice is because of the echo. I do not say another word, he doesn't either. We lay in silence the only sound in the room is our breathing before Justin begins to hum a soft familiar tune, my body relaxes and I can feel myself drift away into the darkness, where there is only me, and my thoughts. The sound of Justin humming still playing in my head and I hear him call my name again in that same distant way as before...

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I promise you this chapter has a purpose but I was depressed as fuck when I wrote it and I cried the whole time writing!

I hope you enjoy it and please leave a review

ALSO I posted the intro to my new fanfic "Damaged" you should check it out the story is actually really good and I hope people start reading it!

Love you all, and thank you for reading