LiarLiar

Chapter 44 - I'm Not Ok

*Charlotte'sPointOfView*

It's been a week, a whole week, seven days, one hindered and sixty eight endless hours. The burning pain of seeing Lucas has not calmed the slightest. I feel like someone has stabbed me and every time I see or hear him that knife is turned and pushed deeper. The pain grows and I wish it would just stop, I wish I could be numb instead of feeling every ounce of pain ten times worse than it probably really is. Nothing helps, I try to not think about him but that only makes me think more. I lost a lot of memory but I remember everything in the lead up to his birth. The excitement when he first kicked me, I called Kyle that night and we stayed on the phone for hours talking about stupid little things. We never really were a couple but he made me happy, me made me really happy and it kills me to know that if he was to even offer a little commitment we could've kept the baby. We could've moved to some place nice away from my evil parents and raised our baby ourselves, we could have been selfish with him but we both knew it would be better if he was taken into a better, stable family and we did everything to find him exactly that.

"Charlotte?" An unfamiliar voice calls

"Yes?" I then around to face Josh

"I just want to thank you, for everything. Laura and Justin have told me a lot about you, I only saw you a couple of times like at the hospital briefly and I can't thank you enough. Lucas is a major blessing in our lives and I need you to know that we love that boy with everything we have" he tells me and I know he's serious. His tone is calm yet desperate for me to believe him and I do. I know they love him. They love him and give him everything, more than I ever could I could not be more grateful that my baby got taken in by such pure, good, loyal people

"Thank you" is all I manage to say, if I say anymore I will cry and I do not want to cry.

"Daddy!" Lucas drags out

"I'm here son" he calls from the living room

"Daddy" he cheers running into Josh's arms.

Sometimes I wonder could that be Justin and I, would I even know Justin? Maybe it would be Kyle, a happy family, Kyle, Lucas and me. I can't imagine it, Kyle has a girlfriend now and he seems to love her a lot, I guess we've both grown out of our sleeping around days and found someone who can love us as much as we love them. Justin makes me happy and miserable at the same time. When he loves me, he's sweet and caring, he'll shower me with love and adoration. But when he's mad, he'll make sure I know it, there is no sugar coating anything and he won't care about what he says, we have our good days and our bad but what couple doesn't? Laura and Josh seem so happy together but I'm sure they have their off days as well

"Lucas?!" I hear Justin call before joining us in the living room "ready to go?"

"Ready" Lucas smiles jumping off his fath- Josh before slipping into his trainers and jacket

"Where are you two going?" Laura asks tailing in behind Justin

"We're going to pick up Ryan from the airport and then we are going to bond" he tells them, he is amazing with children and I hope someday I can give him his own. He loves Lucas like a son and that is crazy to think about so let's not.

"Here buy yourself some icecream or something" Josh says handing Lucas a ten dollar bill

"He doesn't need money" Justin rolls his eyes like he always does.

"Take it Justin" I gave him a soft look

"Fine" he groans

"The misses has you wrapped around her little finger doesn't she" Josh teases "don't worry they're all the same" he gives his wife- I think- A playful smile

"Carla's here to pick me up, I'll see you tomorrow" getting up I grab my crutches and my bag and head out the door without as much as a goodbye from Justin. I'd be lying if I said that didn't sting a little but I'm not going to let it eat me.

"How was your night?" Carla asks as soon as I sit in the car

"Coming here was a huge mistake" I tell her before pulling the seatbelt over myself and plugging it in

"Did he get mad? What happened?" She pulls out of the drive way and onto the road

"It was Lucas, Car it's so hard seeing him and I don't know why I thought I would be okay because I'm not, I'm not okay at all but no one sees it, he doesn't see it" I spill out my feelings to her telling her everything I've never been able to tell Justin

"What do you mean you can't have kids?!" She skids the car to a stop looking over at me

"I mean exactly that, the nurse said that she'll put me on hormone tablets but if I don't start again I'm fucked" I sigh leaning back in my chair "I called up the other day to make sure they call me and not Justin and I'm glad"

"Wait, you haven't told Justin?" She snapped her head up restarting the car

"No, not yet. I haven't found the right time" I close my eyes and lean back praying for everything to be okay one day. To wake up one day next to the one person who loves me and who I love, to wake up and everything is perfect. Or to not wake up at all and stay sleeping forever, perhaps life would be easier. Looking down at my wrist I trail my fingers over the scars she has left on my skin and something deep inside of me wishes she wouldn't have stopped but of course, that would put me out my misery and all she wants is for me to be miserable. I guess she's won, I give up now, there's no point in trying over and over again, no point in fighting the same battle every time something goes wrong. It's just not worth it anymore.

"Please don't cry Char" she hums pulling into her usual parking space

"I'm sorry, sorry" I wipe my eyes I didn't even know I was crying until she told me to stop

"I love you Char you've been my sister since we were born and I care for you a lot. I hate saying this but you need to sort your head out and talk to Justin about it because right now being with him isn't a good idea" she tells me honestly and I care for her opinion a lot she means more to me than any boyfriend ever will, she's a sister to me and I'd rather lose the world than lose my sister.

"I love you Carla, thank you" I weakly smile before getting out the car and heading up to our app argument

"Well look at what the cat dragged in" I hear the teasing voice of my brother

"Shut up, Toby" I slap his arm

"Leave her alone" Carla defends me as I trail quietly into my room. I need to be alone. I need time to think and sulk.

_________________________

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating but it honestly feels like no one really reads anymore :(

Please comment