What's wrong?

why death?

my names kat yes kat I legally changed it at 17 because why not.

Im in college I'm not even 20 yet but I know what its like to love and live and want and crave death I know odd troubling sentence why would one crave and want death well theres 2 answers fear and love the fear is the easy answer the love not so much have you ever been in so much physical pain it feels like 12 bones are breaking every day but its not one particular bone its all over your body its when you breathe its when you sit stand walk talk everything its constantly there you get so dizzy you cant see straight you have headaches that cripple you you can barely walk somedays let alone get out of bed well that's me 24/7 and the doctors cant figure it out so I sit here dealing with the pain some of it im numb too some not its slowly becoming a part of me but I don't want it to be so I fource myself to go to my limits every day and push them but im getting weaker my limits are getting harder I can barely mow the lawn myself or make dinner without passing out and im always freezing. some doctors think it might be cancer but we don't know yet and right now I have a fear of knowing. I know strange right but trust me I want to know but at the same time im scared I could die at any second im scared not of death but of what death can do it could easily rip my family and friends to shreds but I just hope that that wont happen not for me but for my nephew mason. hes not even a 3 yet I don't want him growing up with a broken family or with him only seeing photos of me. I wanna tell him stories and hold him and laugh with him that's where the love comes in I want to die for love because to see what my parents go through every time a doctor tells them the tests came back normal or were getting refured to another speacilist breaks my heart because I see the worry pain and frustration and anger in their eyes seeing me suffer every day seeing me struggle to get out of bed watching my friends have fun and laugh while I try to catch my breath because we were walking to fast breaking down in a coughing fit and seeing my friends faces flush with worry and telling me not to die but because of love I want death I want their worrys and their pain to be over I want them to not have to worry for me anymore I want them to live their lives and not have to remember me. that's another thing about death I don't care if im forgotten I don't care if im that one grave that no one visits I just care that instead of visiting me all the ones I love are out living life for me. I hope my friends are partying and learning and I hope they have husbands or wives and I hope they love their lives. so that's why death because death although it would make it harder it would be easier than living.

now lets jump into the story I don't have a job but I don't need one luckily I have 3 parents who all support me well I live in an apartment... well not really it was an old hourse barn that me and my friends got to convert to a sieris of apartments so we could all live under one roof its on my parents property and they told us we could as long as we go to school and we clean and buy our own food so I mean were all set basically. I live on the bottom floor where the kitchen and living room and dining room is everyone has a bathroom attatched to their room and theirs 5 bedrooms. Two on the main floor technically the master and a guest room and 4 on the upper level all decently sized the only reason I got the master is I cant make it up the stairs anymore my roommates all have part time jobs to pay for their food and cars and everything but I don't I just kinda keep the house tidy go to college cook dinners I have to make dinner soon I think ill make vegetarian lasagna yes the people in this house are vegetarians and we have 3 german shepperds sugar spice and nice.

I get out of bed and don't bother to get dressed seeing as its already 6 and im not dressed I slip on my slippers and go start making a quick homemade lasagna and put it in and set the timmer then I admire our kitchen tall cherry wood cabniets with marble counters and a butcher block built in with a stainless steel farm style sink and a stainless fridge and dishwasher and oven. I smile and set out places at the table 5 places for joey, sierra, Aaliyah, and jas. yes a boy named joey lives with us. what we couldn't live here wirhout our gay best friend. tomorrows sunday which means church take out and bored games also means ice cream sundays and watching movies late but ill probably fall asleep at like 10 plus more of our friends are coming tomorrow its gonna be a big sleepover the one I need before Tuesday. the thought of Tuesday shakes me to my core as I immediately shake. im startled when I feel someone touch my arm I look up to see its just sierra

"Tuesday thoughts again?" she questions As she fills a glass with ice water

"of course wait when did you get home I thought you were at work" I asked

"I got home like 2 minutes ago the vet closed early today its shans birthday" she says

"ohh do you know when the others will be home?" I ask

"joey got home right after me hes walking the dogs and jas and Aaliyah will be here any second"she says

"good I hope they didn't eat yet I made lasagna" I say

"oo is it with the good crumbles??" she asks eagerly

"of course itll be done soon and I made homemade rolls today"

"yum"

I nod as the door opens and joey comes in with the dogs I smile as they run around the house and then sugar lays in her bed spice jumps on the couch and nice goes upstairs sugar is my service dog she makes sure I don't pass out in public and she goes to class with me and one day she will help me teach my kindergarden class

"sugar wanna go to the store later to get things for tomorrow?" I lean down to ask her she barks back at me

"good girl Ill get your vest after dinner and well go to the store" I smile at her as the timer buzzes on the lasagna I take it out and set it on the table as jas and Aaliyah walk in

"foooooddddd" Aaliyah yells and practically dives into her seat I laugh as we all gather around the table for dinner and eat quietly and talk about our days when dinner was over I asked

"who wants to go to the store for tomorrow"

"meeeeeeeeeeeeee" Aaliyah and joey yell

"ill get my purse" sierra says

"ill get sugars vest" jas says

I laugh as I go get sugars collar and leash and my tiny bookbag and I grab the keys to my mini van and I go put on sugars vest and collar

"sit sugar" I smile as she obeys the basic command

"lets go sugar" I say and walk towards the door as I see everyones in the car I open the back door and snap in sugars doggy seatbelt and get in the drivers seat and drive to the store I open the door when I park and unbuckle sugar and she hops out and sits next to me giving me time ti grab her leesh and my bag while everyone gets out I take up sugars leesh and we walk into the store to see someone I thought Id never seen again....