"Rafael, Rafael," I shook him awake.
"What's wrong Cole?" He snapped up.
"Well... nothing. I just can't help but think, what if I get really excited about this and I miscarry?"
"Cole- fuck- I mean- Colie, shit happens and some people miscarry. I don't think you will. I think we will try. I mean fuck we can have this then sudden infant death syndrome can happen and they will die after they are born."
"What?"
"Google It," he went back to bed. I laid there now convinced that our child will die no matter what before age of five.
I eventually fell asleep.
I was in the nursery that we finished designing. It's really nice decorated with all the little stuffed animals that our child will love.
I felt the contractions start. This shouldn't be happening, it's way too early. I screamed for Rafael. I have no idea where he is but he needs to be here now.
"What's wrong Cole?" He asked.
"I'm having contractions. Please take me to the hospital," I begged. He picked me up and ran to the hospital. I screamed the entire time, but he didn't even flinch.
He put me in a room. I had a baby in my arms with in minutes. But the baby wasn't crying. I was. I was sobbing, begging this lifeless baby to cry, to show some sign of life.
"It's a still born Nicole. You have to let it go," Rafael put a hand on my shoulder.
"No! That's my baby! I love my baby! I can't let my baby go!" I was fighting the doctor taking my baby.
I woke up in a cold sweat. I got out of bed and went pee. God I could have a still born. There are so many things that can go wrong. Why should I have a kid if it's probably going to end in disaster. Fuck, why would Rafael put that in my mind? He knows I'm so easily swayed one way or the other. I'm surprised he didn't try to make feel better.
I know I was being irrational about the timing and he's tired. I know all of this but fuck. He said our kid could have sudden infant death syndrome.
I got ready and went downstairs. He was there on the computer.
"Good morning Cole," he smiled at me. I walked right past him. How can he act like what he said wasn't pretty much a slap in the face.
I went to get something to eat. I wanted to sit at the table but he's there. I sat on the couch instead. I heard him shuffle around before I knew he was coming my way.
"How are you feeling this morning?" He sat next to me. I don't want him to sit next to me right now.
I feel like shit but I don't want his pity.
"Cole," he moved closer. "Colie." He was too close. "Nicole." He put his hand on my thigh.
"Don't touch me."
"Oh, okay, I see you're angry. Can I know why?" He sounded a bit scared.
"I don't know, I'm terrified of having a child, and I know I was rude waking you up early, but I don't think it warranted you saying that our kid could get sudden infant death syndrome and die," I snapped. He was taken back.
"I- I honestly don't remember saying that. You woke me up last night?"
"Yes I did. I don't know if you're trying to get out of this but you did say it."
