"So," Rafael started.
"So," i cleared my throat.
"Can you please just give me an answer?" He sighed.
I opened my mouth. He rolled his eyes, clearly annoyed.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I wanted to cry.
"It's whatever, just let me know," he walked away. I started crying.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered. He wants to know if I'm keeping the baby or not. I don't know. I'm so torn.
I suddenly felt violently ill. I went to the bathroom and puked my guts out. I laid on the floor wanting to get up. I shouldn't get up until I can give him an answer.
I should apologize for being so awful to him. I should, there's no reason for me to be such a dick. I got up and brushed my teeth.
"Rafael?" I walked down.
"Yes Nicole?" He wouldn't look up from his computer.
"Do you mind if I talk to you about everything?" I sat on the couch.
"Yes give me five minutes, I need to finish this up," he put a hand on my thigh.
"Okay, sounds good," I leaned against him. He finished up and put his computer down.
"So what's up Cole?" He asked.
"So I wanted to properly apologize for the other day. I was such an ass to you. There was no reason for me to be. I should have never, ever said you didn't try to save me. I know you did. I know you would've walked through fire if it meant I would've been okay. I was angry, and I was scared. I shouldn't have said that. It's not excuse." I grabbed his hand.
"Cole-"
"Please let me finish. I am so sick of people saying it's going to be okay, because I wasn't okay. I'm still not okay. I still don't know if I want to have a baby. I'm so thankful that none took her but if they did, she would never be the same," I started crying.
"I know. It's okay, Cole. I forgive you. I have said some awful things in the heat of the moment. It was scary. I hate cases with children because they usually do kill them off. It's such a horrible thing to say, but it's true. I didn't want to tell you, because I know you would second guess wanting a kid. I didn't want you to feel like this was the worst choice you've made because it's not. If you don't want to have a baby, we won't have one. I want you to be okay," He he's me close.
"I don't know what I want anymore Rafael. I'm so confused," I held on to him.
"I know you are. I know how hard this is. We will figure it out," he rubbed my back.
I love him so much. He's such a great guy. I don't know how anyone didn't love him before. I don't know how he couldn't open up to anyone before. I am so lucky.
"I'm so sorry." I started crying.
"Don't be Cole. This isn't an easy choice to make. It's the hardest one. But it's what you want, it's not only about me."
"It is about you too though."
"It's not. I can live with choices. I can live with not having kids. I don't know if you can live with your choices."
"I wish I could go back and change everything. I wish I could give you a clear answer."
"You need time. How are you feeling? Are you still feeling sick?"
