Big Bangs, Prohibition, and a Sugar Daddy

Packing and Goodbyes

 I had never had a need for a suitcase. Mother loaned me an old travel trunk she kept in her closet. My clothing. I took out my hat boxes. I had four in all. My boots I placed in the trunk. I had six pairs of boots and shoes. Two purses.

I had wooden box that contained my sparse amount of jewelry. I had a metal makeup case, small sewing kit in a metal candy box. I took a small picture off the wall of my room. An oil on canvas painting of a beach and light house by the sea. It had a gilded wooden frame. Given to my by my Father before he left us. Before puberty changed me. I wrapped it and put it in the trunk being careful to place it so it wouldn't get damaged. I did the same thing for a small music box, given to me by Mother, after I changed.

I went to my vanity desk and picked up a owl figurine. White, ceramic, owl sitting on a branch. Given to me by Carol. When I had my darkest days. That was after Mother's divorce of Father. On the top shelf of my closet I pulled out a cardboard box. Inside was a golden silk scarf. I had never worn it. It was a gift from my Mother's best friend, Rae North. It was so beautiful I had  always been afraid to wear it, for fear of ruining it with my clumsiness.

I ran the smooth material through my fingers. It calmed my nerves. I finally folded the cloth and placed it back in the cardboard box. There were two more things that I took out of the closet. A small, stained, old baseball. The other item was a worn teddy bear. Both had been given to me by Father. Before I changed. I placed them in the trunk, hiding them in a pillowcase.

Aside from a couple of romantic books, it was all I owned. Most of the books, I either gave away or sold to a thrift shop after I had read them. There was a book of poetry that I kept under my pillow. Another gift from Rae North. I would read it at night.

I pulled the trunk over to the foot of the bed. I sat on the bed. Carol came in. She came over and sat on the bed next to me. She took my hand, holding it. I hadn't known Carol to be quiet for long. Carol simply sat there holding my hand.

"I'm sorry I've been so mean to you over the years." Carol said. "I was jealous of you at first. Daddy loved you. Until the changes. Then I took pleasure in what was happening to you. A boy, turning into a girl, and Daddy fretted the whole time. Then it got so bad, that Mommy divorced Daddy. I was so angry. I took it out on you."

"You were angry, I was guilty." I patted Carol's hand with my other hand. "It was so frightening. What was happening. I felt that Daddy hated me because I changed. I knew you hated me because I was Daddy's favorite before the changes. I wondered if Mother hated me because of what happened. I felt it was my fault Daddy left."

"I don't hate you. Please don't ever think that. I was petty, but after the changes I felt sorry for you. It was hard for me to go from being angry with the boy you were, and being sympathetic for the girl you turned into." Carol sighed. "Only you weren't a real girl, but something different. Neither boy nor girl. I wasn't sure how to deal with that."

 We sat in silence for a while longer. It had been a difficult time. During my puberty we had all watched the changes helplessly. There was no known cure for what happened to me, no operation that would be possible, even if we could afford the operation. All Mother could think to do was dress me up as the girl I resembled. She moved from upstate New York, to New York City. Into a very cheap apartment. Later, as Carol began to work, and I was old enough to work as well. We moved into this apartment.

Carol and I worked sewing dresses, making artificial flowers, and anything else we could. Until Carol became a salesclerk at a department store, and I worked at a waistshirt factory until I finished a secretarial school. Where I learned to type, keep books, file, take dictation, and other office work. I had joined the clinic to work in their office, but later I was also given the task of caring for patients, but it gave me more pay so I didn't complain.