GUCCI BOY//kth

56.) hope

A/N: just a reminder so it doesn't come as a shock later, this book will end with chapter 60. get ready to say goodbye❤️

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"she's my favourite piece of art
and she's covered in ashes"

-cdlv
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Cassia's POV

We all get hurt in life. Constantly. We get hurt over and over again. It's part of  human nature to hurt others and get hurt. But we also heal. We can get fixed, if you will. Some things in life though, are unfixable.

If you forget to water a flower, it dies and that's that. You can't go back. It's unfixable. If you break a bone you will have to live with the pain for a while but eventually it'll heal, that's fixable. Easy so far, isn't it?

What about the heart? What about our soul? People can die from heartbreak, people can die from trauma. Can, but they don't always do. So is heartbreak a fixable thing? Is trauma? Maybe. There's no definite answer.

This dilemma had been haunting Cassia for days now. She wondered where in the spectrum she, herself lay. Because some days all hope seemed lost and she wondered whether she had been broken one too many times to be fixed again. She truly felt unfixable. She felt like this was who she was now. The girl with the broken family. The girl that cried every night. The girl that forgot how to trust. The girl that never smiled. The girl that failed.

For every step forward she was thrown five steps back the next day. Almost every good day she had was followed up by a night full of nightmares. Every oh so little piece of progress could get shattered by one flashback or panic attack and she'd have to start all the way at the beginning again.

It was tiring. Cassia was so tired of it all. Tired of living through the day. At this point it felt more like mere existing than living and the worst part was, she wasn't even doing it for herself, she was doing it for the people she loved because she couldn't stand to see them hurt.

Some days were particularly bad, the days when Cassia's thoughts seemed to weigh as much as blocks of steel. She felt unable to follow through with even the simplest of tasks such as doing dishes or reading the newspaper on days like that. Some days her thoughts would cloud her mind so much that she forgot to answer Jungkook when he was talking to her. Forgot to look at him. It angered him. She could sense it. A little less, recently, but it still angered him.

It was hard to talk about those thoughts because talking about them just seemed to add more weight and make her mind even messier than it already was. Confiding in people, talking about what was on her mind, what bothered her, what froze her into a routine of daily chores to complete, was new to Cassia. So new that at first, it didn't even make her feel better.

It didn't come natural to her to share her struggles with other people, you had to consider their feelings as well, how much they could handle. One thing Cassia never wanted was to make other people struggle because of her problems, she didn't want to pull others down with her. She knew what she was getting herself into when those thoughts pushed their way into the centre of her attention but other people didn't know what exactly it was they were signing up for. She didn't want to overstrain anyone. She didn't want to make anyone carry her weight.