The Open Door - Sean and Kaycee

5. The Hallway

Kaycee

Oh shoot, did I just grab his hand? I don't know what's gotten into me. Why am I suddenly acting so weirdly around this boy (well, you know, more weirdly than usual)?

That conversation probably tops the long list of "Kaycee's most awkward conversations ever" -- even above that one very brief conversation with a boy who I'd just met at a dance convention years ago when he said I was pretty and I responded by spilling my apple juice on him (probably by accident, but it's been so long that I don't even remember). As you can tell, I'm always so smooth around boys. It's lucky that I never saw the apple juice boy again because he probably hates my guts.

But this super awkward conversation with Sean was kind of unintentionally hilarious. Like who the hell researches doors in their free time? Apparently Sean does. I guess his knowledge came in handy for this particular occasion, but it's probably the first and last time that he'll ever need to know anything more than just "there's the door knob" and "righty tighty lefty loosey".

But what really struck me about the conversation wasn't his weird door fetish. It was the fact that he always seemed to be paying attention to what I was saying. Not pretending, like most people do. It's not like people intentionally tune you out when you're talking, but you can tell when they aren't really listening to you. Or rather, when they're hearing but not listening to you.

Sean is different in that way. He seems to hang on to every word that you say. And you can tell that he understands you because his response (albeit concise) will exactly answer your question. He makes sure that every word he utters has deliberate purpose.

Plus, he's got a great sense of humor. He tries not to showcase it, but I can see it there, beneath his serious and nonchalant facade. It's like when you're in a long and dark hallway, and at the end of it, you see a door. And the door is slightly cracked open, just enough for you to see the light inside of it. It gives you a sense of reassurance, that there is light at the end of darkness, hope at the end of despair.

But at the same time, that's the only thing that's off about him. The fact that he's in hiding. He's locked himself into that little room at the end of the dark hallway. And even though I just met him, I wish more than ever that I could unlock his door and enter into that room of light within him, the one that he is trying so hard to conceal.

"Kaycee?" Sean's voice makes me jump. I realize that I'm still holding his hand, so I let go awkwardly. "Did you hear what I just said?"

"Sorry, what? I was kind of... um... lost in thought," I mumble. Thoughts about him, a little voice in my brain supplies, against my will.

"I said, do you know what room we're going to? You've kind of been leading me down this dark and deserted hallway for a hot second, but I'm pretty sure that the door at the end down there says CAUTION DO NOT ENTER," he says, and I can tell he's suppressing an amused smirk.

His statement puzzles me for a second. Is he referring to the dark and deserted hallway that I'd just been imagining within him? How could he possibly know about that? Then, I realize that duh, of course he's talking about the literal dark and deserted hallway that we're walking through right now. Wait, how did we get here?

"Oh shoot, sorry," I can't believe that I started daydreaming when we're already close to ten minutes late for this audition. Seriously Kaycee, get a grip. "Yeah, I do actually know what room we're supposed to be in, but... I think it's on the opposite side of this floor."

He raises an eyebrow at me. "What happened to 'this is the most important audition of my life' back in the elevator?"

"Agh, I know, I know, we'd better run."

We start sprinting down the hallway in the opposite direction. I nearly crash into a wall, but luckily Sean catches me just in time.

"Jesus, calm down weirdo," he says, this time with a full-on, unsuppressed smirk on his face.

I'm totally caught off guard. "WHAT did you just call me?"

Sean takes a step back and suddenly looks shy and reserved again. "Sorry, I totally didn't mean to insult--"

I shake my head vigorously. "No, no, it's not that. It's not you. It's just..." I'm completely at a loss for words. I can't even think straight right now.

I close my eyes and the memories play back like there's a movie screen in my head, one that I can't look away from. It's been a long time since I've heard the word "weirdo". A full, long year in fact. It's disconcerting to hear it tossed out so casually -- the word that used to define me. The word that I used to live by. The word that I used to hear every day of my life, until it suddenly disappeared.

You're just weak, the horrible voice inside of my head taunts, so weak that one silly little word can push you over the edge. So afraid of the truth that you can't even handle the slightest mention of it.

"Kaycee? Kaycee!" Someone is shaking me by the shoulders.

"Wha--what?" My eyes suddenly pop open. Sean's chocolatey brown eyes are directly in my field of vision. There's a depth and an openness about them, so diametrically opposed to the closed boy that I observed in the elevator. His eyes are concerned, but kind and unassuming at the same time.

The unassuming look in eyes causes another unwelcome thought to pop into my brain. He doesn't know who you are or the awful things that you've done, the nasty little voice inside my head whispers, and if he did, he wouldn't be looking at you with those hauntingly sweet and welcoming eyes.

"Er... should we... I mean, do you want to go now?" He asks awkwardly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I--" Tell him, the nasty voice butts in, go on, tell him why you're so shocked by being called a weirdo. The truth is there, hanging precipitously on the tip of my tongue. I take a deep breath and swallow it back it. It tastes bitter. But then again, I'm used to it by now. It's an acquired taste, one that no one wants to become accustomed to. I've learned throughout the years that the truth is the bitter melon that you swallow when your only other choice is to starve. "I'm fine. Let's go now."

**Starting to introduce some of the major conflicts of the story. Any thoughts or predictions? Hope you enjoyed :) I loved learning where all of you are from yesterday. It's so cool how Seaycee has brought the world together!

Random question of the day: What's your favorite song or artist at the moment? I've been listening to a lot of Billie Eilish lately. My favorite songs of hers are Bellyache and Copycat. I'd love to hear your recommendations!