The Open Door - Sean and Kaycee

11. Morning Walk

Kaycee

Kylie is standing right next to me. "Love you, little sis," she says. Suddenly, I hear a loud crash, and she's no longer there. Gone, just like that. As if the wind blew her away. And now it's just me. "It's all your fault", a voice starts to chant, "all your fault, all your fault, all your--"

I wake up with a start. The sky outside my window is still dark. 3:00 AM my clock reads.

I try to go back to sleep, but the image of Kylie and me won't leave my head. After an hour of tossing and turning, I decide to get out of bed and take a walk outside.

The early morning air is brisk and clear. I start to calm down. Soon, I lose track of how long I've been walking. My feet are moving with a clear purpose, but my mind is completely discombobulated.

I smell pine needles, and they remind me of Christmas back there, when Kylie and I would pick a tree from the Christmas tree lot that was just down the street. It would still have snow lingering on its branches, like powdered sugar on a freshly baked cake. We would haul the tree back to our house, up the stairs, and into the living room next to a crackling fireplace.

The memory of before stings me. I thought these vestiges of my old life had left me completely. But all it took was one picture for the floodgates to break loose.

I will myself to focus. For the first time since I started walking, my eyes take in my surroundings. Sure enough, I'm in the depths of a peaceful clearing, surrounded on all sides by gargantuan pine trees. The forest is completely deserted, except for a family of birds nestled on the branches of the pine tree above me.

I must be in a park somewhere. I sit down on a bench nearby and check my phone. My GPS tells me that I've strayed all the way to a small suburban town in downtown LA, several miles away from my apartment. It's now 6:00 in the morning. I've been walking for nearly two hours.

Suddenly, I hear a faint voice. Someone is singing. It's getting closer to me, and the voice becomes clearer. Whoever it is has a really good voice. Gravelly, heartfelt, and emotional. I recognize the song that they're singing. "Mad World", by Gary Jules. I used to listen to that song whenever I felt like the world was against me.

All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces

The voice is really close to me now. Maybe ten feet away? Maybe even closer.

Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression.

The person is emerging out of the forest and into the clearing. I hear their footsteps, a rustling of bushes.

When people run in circles, it's a very very, mad world.

To my surprise, I see a familiar face. "Sean Lew?"

Sean

"I'm taking a walk," I say, to no one in particular. It's early in the morning, maybe 5:30. I don't think anyone is up yet.

"Sean?" Mom's voice stops me in my tracks. "Are you leaving now?"

"Wha-- I, um... I was about to take a walk," I say.

"Sean," she says, "I'm--I'm very proud of you, for trying again." Tears are starting to fill up her eyes.

"Mom?" I croak.

"And I know that he would be too. My brave son."

I feel a painful lump in my throat.

"Good luck today, Sean," she says.