The Open Door - Sean and Kaycee

24. Whispering

Kaycee

"This is a dance about forgiveness," Janelle says. Instinctively, I look across the room to where Sean is standing. He's been staring at me too. We both look down at the same time, awkward and ashamed.

"Sometimes... people do things without thinking about how they will affect those around them. Even if our intentions were sincere, they end up hurting the people who they love the most," she continues, casting me a sidelong glance. My cheeks redden and I feel the painfully familiar throbbing in my temples from trying not to cry.

"But forgiveness is the hardest thing to do in the world. It's easy to be angry. It's easy to be resentful. But it's so difficult to forgive. Why do you think this is?"

Janelle always does this, where she asks the class a question so that we can tap into our own thoughts and emotions. She swerves around toward me. "Kaycee? Do you think you can give this one a shot?"

Startled, I feel myself starting to shiver, even though the heater is on. Beads of cold sweat gather on my forehead. Everyone is staring at me. Except for Sean. He's studiously looking down at the floor.

I take a deep breath in. "Because... forgiveness forces us to recognize that we've made mistakes in the past as well. That we're all human, not one better than the other. And maybe it forces us to deal with the truth, especially if the truth is something that we've been hiding."

I blurted out the last part without thinking, and I know immediately that I've said way too much. A hum of whispers fills the room. People glance quickly at me and look away as soon as I look back at them, as if I were offensive to them. But maybe that's just my imagination.

My eyes fall on Sean. He's looking at me curiously. When he catches me looking back at him, he flushes and scratches his head in typical awkward-Shamu style. But he doesn't look down. We're both trying to read each other's faces, trying to figure our way out of the puzzle that we've gotten ourselves into.

"That was beautiful, Kaycee, thank you," Janelle says, silencing the room. "Above all, forgiveness demonstrates the power of love. Love can break us. But love can always put us back together."

Janelle is tearing up a little bit, but she holds it together. "I'm sorry, you guys know how emotional I get sometimes. Let's just dive into the choreography."

Janelle's choreo is raw and potent. It draws out emotions in me that I had forgotten in my numbness and anger. I feel a strange urge rising up my throat, threatening to choke me. I need to tell him about all of it. The truth that I've been running from. He, of all people, deserves to know. How can I be angry at him for what he's done to me, if I myself can't even be honest with him?

And so I set my mind to it. Today. He'll know it all by the end of today.

Doubts creep into my mind, but I shove them aside without a second thought. I remind myself that I'm on a limited timeframe. Two weeks, and you'll be gone. Two weeks, and you'll have missed your only chance to make amends.

By the time that we're supposed to perform the choreography, my palms are sweaty. Not because of the dance, but because of what I know must follow.

I watch all of the other dancers listlessly, counting the minutes until the end of class. Just five more minutes.

"Sean and Kaycee?" Janelle says gently, almost pleadingly. "I want to see you two... together." I look up at her and she mouths One last time. Please?

Wordlessly, I stand up and join Sean in the middle of the room. Everyone is silent. Before turning on the music, Janelle hesitates, her finger hovering above the play button. "I want you both to embody the theme of the dance, okay? Forgiveness. That's all there is to it."