August rain | myg ✔

t e n

"You told her, 'leave me alone'?" 

Dr Surrey's eyes were wide as she repeated the Yoongi's words in astonishment. His arms were wrapped around himself in a curious way, his eyes were closed but still had tears falling from them, and his face was scrunched up in a painful expression.

He tried nodding to answer her, but all that came out was a weaker sob, causing him to tighten his arms around himself and slightly crouch down.

She looked at him for a few seconds before silently sighing.

"But... what was the context? Were you two fighting?" 

Yoongi hurriedly shook his head from side to side.

"No," he whimpered out. "No, we were just messing around, and she was late for work. She was teasing me because I was playing a video game at 9 in the morning. She told me I should do something else on my day off, and I told her to leave me alone. And then she left... and five minutes later she was dead."

Dr Surrey noted down something and moved her hand towards the tissue box on her desk, motioning for Yoongi to take one. He grabbed two and buried his face in them.

"I... I didn't mean it. I didn't want her to leave me alone. But I told her to and she did. She left me alone, but I didn't mean it! Didn't she know that I didn't mean it? Fuck, she left me alone because I asked her to, but I didn't want that. I didn't want to be alone!" 

Dr Surrey's eyes trailed over the agonizing boy.

"Do you think she wanted to listen to you, Yoongi?" Her voice was soft, as always, but still it made the boy flinch. 

"I - I don't..." He took a deep breath, trying to calm his thoughts. But still when he spoke again his voice was as broken as it could be. 

"But... but it's still what I told her, and it's what happened. I... I wish I could take it back. I wish I could tell her that I love her. And I know it's dumb, but I can't help but think that if I had told her that, instead of telling her to leave me alone, that maybe she would still be alive. Maybe she wouldn't have died, and she wouldn't have left me alone. It's stupid, I know, but I just... I wish I could take it back. What I said, I wish I could take it back. I wish I could tell her that I love her instead, so that the last words I told her would not play again and again in my mind like a nightmare. And it kills me to think that it was probably the last words she heard before dying. It's all I see when I close my eyes, Catalina taking her last breath and thinking, 'Yoongi wants me to leave him alone'... I just... I can't stand it. I feel like it's my fault." 

"It's not your fault Yoongi... You couldn't have known she was about to die. And I'm sure she knew that you were just messing around." Dr surrey's voice was comforting, but it did little to calm the boy in front of her.

He was still crying, he was still in pain, and he was still broken beyond repair.

"But... what if I hadn't tell her that? Then maybe she would have looked both side before crossing the street. And what if I had told her something else, and then she would have left a few minutes later than she did? She would still be alive, and I wouldn't be alone. And what if the guy had not looked at his phone while driving? I'd still be with Catalina," he whimpered out. "I wish... I wish I could fix it. I could have done something to save her. Something, anything, just so that she would still be alive."

His voice was now a mere whisper, so low that Dr Surrey could barely make out what he was saying. 

"Yoongi... Catalina didn't die because you told her to leave you alone, or because of anything you said to her. She died because a driver was looking at his phone while driving. She died because she was in the wrong place, at the wrong moment. These things can happen to anyone, at any time. There is nothing anyone can do to stop them. I understand that you wish you could change your words, but you can't. It's what you said, and it's what she heard before she died, but that doesn't change the fact that nothing could have been done to save her, and it doesn't change the fact that she loved you a lot and knew you were just messing around. Don't blame yourself for her death, and don't try to go back and change what happened in your mind. It will only hurt you."

Yoongi slowly nodded, eyes numb and low. Somehow Dr Surrey telling him those things made him calmer. Because instead of repeating his self-blame in his mind and focus on that, he could focus on the soft voice of his doctor, telling him those things he wouldn't risk telling himself, in fear that it would make him feel better.

It was strange, how he wanted nothing more than to forget, yet at the same time he didn't want to. Forgetting meant feeling better, moving on, living a happy life, and no more suffering. But forgetting also meant not thinking about Catalina anymore, and forgetting about all those moments when she smiled and laughed, all those moments when she held him close and kissed the mole on his shoulder, all those moments when he would stare at her and feel his heart flutter in his chest. All those moments that meant so much to him, that made him feel close to her, all those moments that he feared would flutter away from his mind the second he would think about something else. The last thing he wanted was to forget those moments. 

"I - I don't want to forget. I can't forget. Please, please, don't make me forget about her." His voice was shaky and pleading, but he didn't care. He would get on his knees and beg to anyone he had to, just to not forget about Catalina, not yet.

Dr Surrey nodded softly. "Yoongi, never would I want you to forget about Catalina. She was a big part of your life, and she mattered to you like no one ever did. Of course you cannot forget about her, ever. Forgetting isn't a right way to mourn someone, Yoongi."

He gulped, and raised his gaze to meet the eyes of Dr Surrey. Again, she couldn't help but notice how weak he seemed, how broken he was, and how there wasn't even an hint of hope in his numb eyes.

"Then... what is the right way?" It was a whisper, one that shined with denial and hesitation, but that also had an hint of urgency that Dr Surrey couldn't ignore.

She sighed, slowly. "These isn't a single way, Yoongi. There's a million different way. You can't know which one will be yours. But all of them have the same end, in which you make peace with what happened."

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A/N - Question for you: what is your favorite part of this story so far? 

For me, it would be chapter 7. Like, I know I wrote it, but it still makes me emotional every time I read it? But it also annoys me because I keep thinking it could be even better. Eh, I'll have a bunch of editing to do when this is over.