the criminal // S.M.

26 // ocean wave

Song: Break the Silence by Fancois Mulder

That night as I fell asleep I couldn't help but feel ashamed. Blowing up on Shawn made me realize how terrible I am at being a human being.

I feel like an ocean wave. Not on the beach, where all the people are, but deep in the heart of the ocean. I cause mass destruction by just being me. One day I am just going to lay flat, and the people and things I've destroyed will celebrate and go on with their life like I never even touched them.

It's a terrifying thought, but it's true. Riley, Shawn, Damon, even my parents, all of them are better off without me.

The tears came easily tonight as I wished I wouldn't have been such a wuss when I was younger. Before Riley was born, before it all got bad. I could have ended it then and there, but I didn't.

When it comes down to it, I could carry through with the deed now. Riley doesn't need me anymore, Shawn could go back to his normal life. I wouldn't be missed.

My thoughts consumed me and I could feel a weight on my chest and my breaths became jagged. In an instant I recognized the sensation as a panic attack, but I tried my hardest to regain control.

Ever since I was extremely young anxiety and all of it's effects has been something that has ran my life. And as a wave of nausea ran over me, I knew I had to get to a bathroom. Quick.

I got up in a panic and ran to the bathroom, barely making it before I threw up. I silently prayed that Shawn wouldn't be lurking as he usually does.

My breathing continued to be heavy and inconsistent for far longer than normal. I suppose the thought that I could take my life right now, and no one would be affected by it was overwhelming, but in a way almost comforting.

Shawn might be a little hurt, but probably a little glad as well. He could go on with his life of protecting people and saving others back at home. He wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

My mind thinks back to Damon, someone who's been there for me since the beginning. Someone who has made these past 17 years a little bit more bearable. The thought of seeing him again, or even Riley is the only thing holding me back now. A single hope is all I owe my life to.

Out of curiosity, I checked the mirror cabinet for what pills the jacks had stocked. The first thing that grabbed my eye was a full bottle of Acetaminophen. I lightly traced my fingers on the bottle as I remembered how my on first attempt, I used these same pills.

The flashback hurt me deep inside because I could still feel the exact emotions that ran through me that night.

6 years ago

The bathroom of our apartment has always been dingy and depressing — what a perfect setting. My hand clenched around several acetaminophen that I had taken from my parents room.

My wrists bleed out of tally marks I had just cut in the hopes of feeling something. However, I was numb. Nothing mattered to me anymore, I was nothing.

Maybe, just maybe if my parents could see how much I was hurting they would help me, maybe talk to me.

I took only enough pills to maim or seriously injure, but not to kill.

I don't want to die, at least not yet.

Damon had been the one to find me later than evening, nearly passed out in the bathtub. He had came to check on me since I wasn't at the bar with my parents like how I normally was. Funny how even my own parents didn't notice I had overdosed in their bathroom.

Even funnier how they didn't care. They didn't take me to the hospital to see if I was okay, they didn't even talk to be about it. Don't do that again, you scared us! My mom said.

I wish I would've taken more.

A/N

Super sorry about the lack of updates recently!! I haven't really been involved in this book as much as I'd like but I'm working to change that. Plus band season and school has started up so I'm doing the best I can with all that lol.

Also I know this chapter is a really boring filer chapter, but there is so fun stuff coming up so look out for that

Also, thank you for the ratings on this book!! I logged on the other day and saw this book had some pretty decent (for being a nobody with a terrible book) ratings for a couple different hashtags! It blew my mind lol

Lastly, thanks to all those who have been engaged in the story and commenting and voting. I love y'all a opinion and every comment / vote means so much. If y'all want to be extra nice you could let me know how you like the book and what not on dm or comment :)

Thanks so much for everything, it means SO MUCH and motivates me to write like no other