An Aspie's Life: The Untold and Unknown Story

Chapter 13 - Overload Emergency!

I’ve mentioned this occurrence a couple of times through out this book. Yet, being a book on Asperger’s Syndrome and the way things really seem, it seems very important to dig deeper into this subject. This is the one thing that can literally derail an entire day. You can go from the best day ever to the lowest point ever faster than any car on the roads today. There is no real cure to keep this from happening safe for the long expense of time and practice which can feel like an eternity of its own. It’s a painful process that can keep people at a distance, Aspies out of a job, make them afraid of themselves, and cause many very uncomfortable questions.

Facing these moments isn’t something that can be shared and thus the pain is lessened. It is only something the Aspie alone will feel because it only will make sense to them to be this upset and overwhelmed. Those around them won’t know why or even how it happened. Only that the person seems to be severely overreacting to nothing at all. A lack of understanding and questioning can make this situation far worse.

So, let’s bring out the first step towards understanding.

To understand why it happened and how to deal with it first you need to understand what it feels like.

Well, this can be a place that’s hard to explain. The moments before it happens, the day seems normal to whatever it was I was doing. I could have been just out running around and getting things done. Or maybe I was just getting ready to go out having set plans for the day. Things have been at least going to plan up to this point. Maybe I’ve even had a pretty good day so far. But then, something might have been said. Or maybe something happened. Whatever it was, my mind suddenly can’t cope.

On the good days that this happens, my mind doesn’t spiral down as far. I just get really quiet. I try to think and process as quickly as I can through my inner turmoil. It feels like my world is crumbling apart and I’m trying to hold it together. Like bits of a broken pot that I’m trying to hold together just with my hands. It’s like a headache without pain. Like someone has wronged you but nothing rude was uttered. If I’m able to hold myself together, then in my silence, should I not be able to get to a private area, my stress over this mental upheaval is released through tears. It becomes the glue that starts to bind the shards of my day and myself back together. But it’s not ready quite yet. Time is needed. The “glue” has to dry. The only way to speed up this process is to talk but talking about it brings more tears which if I’m driving isn’t the best idea. Sometimes it takes just time for some of the sadness to be let out. Just enough to allow my mind to think for itself again. Once I can, then I can take a breath and slowly reassert myself back to the forefront. I can slowly calm myself back down. Eventually, the panic, stress, and sadness fades and I can start to feel like myself again.

Now, on the flip side, the bad day. Those days when I am the most prone to getting farther out of hand than normal. Maybe I’ve all ready been out too long. Maybe I didn’t sleep well. Maybe I haven’t eaten yet. Any number of things can lower my Aspie immune system and make an overload happen and make it much worse. It’s those days when just the right thing is said. Maybe it is mean and maybe it’s not. Maybe I’ve learned the day’s plans have more to them than I realized and planned on. Whatever the case, this time I can’t try and lessen the blow. I can’t even begin to think rationally. It’s all too late for that sort of thing. The only thing that helps is immediate flight. While running away hasn’t helped with anything else, this is the one time I feel like I’d rather be alone. It’s like a brand of depression that can hit without warning instead of being known and treated with medication. During these times, I certainly do cry of course. I hide out in my room. Sometimes I even lock the door as if to lock this all away from me but it’s all ready in the room and inside me. By this point I don’t want anything to do with anyone or anything. I don’t want to watch TV, be on the computer, or talk to anyone. I just want to be left alone even though a small part of me knows that alone is where I shouldn’t be. It feels like nothing for a while and like sadness in others. Time is the only healer that I will accept for a while. Till the stress slowly relaxes due to the lack of movement, thinking, and planning. Till my mind can relax and not think for a little while. Eventually, the moment will fade. Maybe it was a couple of hours and maybe a couple of minutes. Either way it would feel much longer than it was till I am able to get back up and try to begin the day again.