HE LOVED ME IN THE DARK

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

        Of course you know that I love you very much.  I 've always been a daddy's girl, but in a tom-boyish kind of way! LOL I remember when I was about seven or eight years old, I used to hear you scrambling around the house at 3am getting dressed, so I would sneak out of the bed and get dressed too.  I would meet you at the front door with your basketball, on your way to pick up all your friends, to go to the gym for early morning basketball.  I would sit on the benches and cheer you on, even joined in on a little of the smack talking amongst you and your friends.

        When I wanted some alone time, I would walk around the track.  The thing I remembered most, were the dim lights.  They were so pretty and mezmerizing.  I stared at them for so long, it began to take me to a peaceful place, almost heaven-like.

        On the drive to the gym and back, I got to sit in the front seat right in the middle.  I felt so special and grown up because it was just me and my dad.  And of course you remember when I tried out for the basketball team in middle school.  You were the assistant coach, and you made me so nervous, that I messed up.  But just seeing you there on the sidelines cheering me on the way I cheered you on was a great feeling.  Even though I didn't do so well, you were still proud of me!

        I don't know where our relationship took a turn for the worst , but it did a lot of damage to me.  I'm not sure what effect it had on you, but I went stir crazy.  I think it all started when I was being molested at the age of five and I came to you for help.  Instead of you saving me and protecting me, you called me a liar and threatened to whip me if I brought it up again.  I always wanted to know, what made you not believe me?  Why was it so easy for you to look the other way?  Did you really not know what was going on?  Or is it that you didn't care?  So many questions I've always wanted answers to, but never got.

        From the time me and my sisters were young, you made fun of us, and called us bitches and hoes.  I was the evil bitch, Kanitha was the black bitch, Lori was the fat bitch, our mother was the stupid, bald headed, ugly bitch.  All of these words came out of your mouth.  It got so bad when you started coaching our brothers to call us the same awful names.  It's disgusting the way our brothers didn't respect us.  You all would call us names people in the streets wasn't even calling us.  The six men in the household who were supposed to RESPECT and PROTECT the six women in the house, and I feel like we didn't get that.  It wasn't until we got older that we mended our brother-sister relationships on our own.

        Living with men like this all my life made me believe these words and name calling was okay, from any man.  I thought, if my dad and brothers have been talking to me like this for years, why should I care if a stranger, or another man talks to me the same way.  It sounds weird but I became immuned to it.

        There were a few questions you've been asking me for years, and I said I would tell you one day.  You would ask, " Why did you used to run away from home all the time?"  " Why are you selling drugs?"  "Why are you having sex with these men?"

        Well the reasons at the time were because I felt safer living on the streets than I did in my own home, with my own family.  I just had to get the hell out of there!  My own father and brothers weren't protecting me from rapists inside the house, and I had men protecting me outside, in the streets.  Well, at least that's what I thought.  If I was selling dope in a spot, there was a guy there watching my back, protecting me, if I was stripping at a party, there was always someone there holding me down, and even when I was forced to have sex for money, there was a (pimp) outside watching my every move.  So you see dad, I've always felt safer when I wasn't in your house.  It wasn't until I would come back home that I didn't feel safe again, and I would get into fights on the blocck because too many niggas running through our house.  I was trying to stop people from coming in all hours of the day and night, mainly because I had sisters and didn't want them to be raped again after someone came in on a drunkenn day, which happened often.  But did you have my back?!  NO!

        One time me and Armon got into a fight because him and six other niggas were walking through the door. I tried to stop them from entering. You and mom just stood in the living room and watched while I tussled around on the floor fighting two grown men by myself.  I had to hit Armon in the head with a VCR because he was trying to walk out of the house with it.  When the fight was over, the only thing you said was, " Are y'all finished?"  Then you and mom walked away.  I couldn't believe it because the guys were still in the house, you didn't even make them leave!  I realized again that I had to get the hell out of there.

        I didn't like the names you called me and my sisters all of these years.  I don't think you taught our brothers how to be men, they had to learn on their own, just like your daughters had to learn to be women on our own.  Your daughters are all depressed, and have been molested and raped.  All of us.  Not one person went to jail, no trips to the hospital, no counseling, no STD tests, no love from the one man in our life that is supposed to be #1!  Just a lot of brooms, and a lot of rugs!

        You are a great dad as far as providing, but when it comes to running to you for emotional support and guidance, it never turns out right.  As a young girl, I wanted to tell you about my life so many times, but you never wanted to hear it, or you called me a liar, you yelled, cursed, and stormed out, you even got violent.  I know some things you are going to read in this book will hurt you,  but daddy it's the truth, every word, and I know I have your undivided attention.  You have no choice but to listen without arguing, feedback, or walking away.

        I know you won't like one word in this book, but writing is my healing, and I can't move on with my life until I release everything I've been holding in for 25 years.  I feel if I don't, I'll DIE!  I believe a person can die from depression and lonliness, and I am almost there.  I can't develop friendships with women, I don't have one female friend in my life because I've always been trapped in my own shell.  Even worse, I haven't had a successful relationship with a man.  I don't trust men, I don't believe anything they say, I don't really like being around men at all.  I don't know how to have a great relationship without sex, because that's all I've been doing since I was six years old.

        I need a new start and a clean slate.  I want to move on with my life and stop harboring all the pain that I have on the inside.  I want you to know that I love you very much, and I'm doing this for myself and my daughter because I don't want her to be anything like me or my mother.

I love yoou daddy,

Sincerely your baby girl,

Jamie DeAnn