HE LOVED ME IN THE DARK

Introduction

        I've been having sex since I was about 5 or 6 years old.  I know you are probably thinking how is that possible?  Well, it is possible, and very much true.  I never understood how a grown ass man could get any type of pleasure from having sex with a child.  I mean, it is temporary enjoyment for him, but a lifetime of pain and agony for that child.  Especially when that child goes to her parents and other adults for help and support, and no one believed her.  Everyone called her a liar.  No one was there to protect her.  To save her.  How do you think this young girl will turn out?  Well I'll tell you...FUCKED UP!

        From age five until about eleven, I was molested everyday, twice a day, by two different grown men.  One of them was my dad's younger brother, and the other is one of my dad's old Marine buddies, who showed up on our porch one day lookng for a place to live.  Every time I tried to tell my parents what was going on, my dad would scream, curse, beat me, and worst of all, told me I was lying.  My mother thought what my dad said was law, and if he said I was lying, she accepted it with no questions asked.

        At the age of 13, I started running away from home, either that or my parents would kick me out on the streets.  I was a sheltered kid on the streets doing everything I could to survive.  I was doing adult things, but I was still a kid, so much so, that I used to run away with my teddy bear stuffed in a bag.  But, to me, the streets were a lot less mean than my home.

        I've done everything from selling drugs, prostitution, stripping, fighting, drinking, etc.  I have been raped and beaten so many times I've lost count.  One time I was even kidnapped and moved to Chicago with a man and a bunch of stray girls that I didn't know.  Thankful to God, I never got strung out on any hard drugs.  Even though I was out there, I felt like I always had a Guardian Angel.  I should've been dead along time ago if not by the streets, then by my own hands.  I knew I had a purpose in this world!  For God to put me through so much at a young age, what other reason could there be?

        Being the second oldest of ten children, in one household, my life was horrible.  My dad treated me like shit, and my mother just didn't care about anything in this world, except my dad.  I want to say to her, how can you bring ten kids into the world, and just leave us?  I can honestly say that, out of my whole 31 years of on this earth, I have never once loved my mother.  To me she was evil, mean, an lifeless.  To sum it all up, to me, she was a MONSTER!

        To this day, I can't develop healthy relationships with men, I don't trust women, so I have no friends, no one to talk to, no one to tell all my deep, dark secrets to.  But, everything that goes in, must come out, some how, some way.  So I decided to let everything out in this book.  I feel that if I can help at least one girl, or one woman, that has went through, or going through the same things that I have, then I have served my purpose in this life!

        God has blessed me with this great ability to write.  Since there was no one to ever talk to, I always expressed myself through poems and short stories, but never anything this full, this real,this true.

        I started writing when I got to first grade, and my dad used to love reading everything I wrote.  Until one day he told me that he didn't want to read anything else I wrote, because all of my poems and stories started getting too violent, sad, and depressing.  He would say, " Man I don't want to read no more of that depressing bullshit. Let me know when you have something happy to write about!"  Of course my writing started to reflect what I was actually feeling.  What I was going through behind closed doors.  If someones style changes out of the blue, the only question a reader should have is, I wonder why?  Another sign my parents didn't care to acknowledge.

        I went through my life seeking refuge, love, and a peace of mind.  I am 31 years old, and I have never in my life been happy, maybe content, but never happy.  Boy what I would give  to know true happiness for just a split second.  I'd be ecstatic.

        I want to heal so bad, but I have so much baggage and secrets that I need to reveal, I also need to confess a few things to some of my family members.  This is the beginning of my writing journey, and I'm ready!

        Of course none of my family wants the truth to ever come out, but I'm here to let them know that their time is officially up!  Some of my family have already heard about me writing a book about my life, and yes they are against it.  Most of my family has already disowned me, and called me a liar, BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH!  My siblings know the truth, God knows the truth, and to me that's all that matters to me.  Sometimes I joke and say, "Now I know how Superhead felt!" If you're not familiar with her, she is Karine Stephens, author of Confessions of a Video Vixen, who was shunned and black balled in the music industry for writing a tell all book.  I feel like I can relate to her, not by what she has done in her life, but her reason for revealing secrets that most people felt should have been taken to the grave.  It was her life, just like it is my life!  As long as my God knows, that's all that matters.

        So sit back, relax, grab your popcorn, because this is going to be one great movie.  LOL. And hey, don't judge me!  I'm sure your life isn't that much better either.