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Chapter 2: I want to die part 2.

The thought of committing suicide had never been something he had considered seriously, but now that he had nothing to live for, he wanted to end it all. Tanatswa began to dedicate his time to learning the different methods of suicide. He decided to make use of his VPN in case someone was checking his search history, hoping that his sudden interest in self termination wouldn't result in the authorities being alerted. As the boy looked at the search results list, he saw Google's other search results showing suicide hotline numbers and warning against taking one's own life. Tanatswa simply ignored these, and went straight for the link with the list of methods. The list had drowning yourself, jumping off a building, running into a car, drinking rat poison or making yourself suffocate with the fumes of a car. These seemed complicated and probably were the most painful ways to die. Tanatswa remembered almost drowning when he was little and could still simulate the pain of his lungs back then in his mind. Though he wanted to end his life, drowning himself was out of the question. The option of cutting himself with a razor on his wrists seemed like something he was likely to do. However, the prospect of bleeding himself to death got him worried about what would happen if he failed to die and had to live with his fuck up. Tanatswa thus opted for the traditional method of hanging himself.

After watching a tutorial, the boy took a rope that was in the backyard, tied a noose, and made a hole in his ceiling so that he could hook the rope on the wood that was supporting the roof tiles. Tanatswa placed the scissors he used to cut through the rope in his right pocket and grabbed a chair. He stood on top of it, put his head through the noose and tightened it. After a minute of contemplation, he shed a tear, grimaced his face and then kicked the chair away. In that moment, a tight hooking sensation engulfed his neck. As if his body was acting on its own, his hands rushed to latch onto the rope that was squeezing the life out of him. He was in pain and he could feel his face quickly heat up, covered in veins as his eyes turned red. His legs began to knock down furniture as he kicked around and lamented the pain in his chest. Dying was actually a painful affair and this was more than what he could handle. Tanatswa quickly searched through his right pocket, took out his scissors and began to cut through the rope. He was nose bleeding by then and sweating vehemently. Through sheer force of will, he snapped the rope, landed badly on the floor and fractured his right wrist and dislocated his right shoulder. The pain from both his landing and chest made him cough violently and burst into tears. He had not fully committed to this part of suicide and was now dealing with the consequences. The rope had left a deep mark on his neck which would become apparent to anyone with suspecting eyes. He lied on the ground, crying for over 10minutes until his maid burst into his room to find his maimed body. She was horrified by what she had discovered and helped him up. His room was a mess and it smelled like semen and piss. She helped him up and dragged him to the living room. She took off the noose and realized how deep the marks were on his neck. She began to scold him, shouting out, "What were you thinking? What is bothering you? Why do you want to die at such a young age?" She rushed to get a glass of water, and gave it to him. Tanatswa used his uninjured hand and slowly drank it, but he burst into a violent cough similar to vomiting water. The maid got flustered by this situation and immediately opted to make a phone call. She decides to call his mother but as soon as he understood what she was about to do, he yanked her forcefully and held her tight, grabbing a hold of her phone and then stuttering into her ear, "Don't tell my mother, if you do you will make things worse." The maid was stunned by his forcefulness and unintentionally struck his dislocated shoulder with her elbow. He roared in pain and fell to the ground. The maid now felt even worse for escalating his situation and began to apologize with teary eyes. She still did not know what to do and opted to call his mother but when she made her way to her phone, the young man made it a point to make it clear that he didn't want her to phone his mother, but she insisted on making sure that she would. The maid got a hold of the phone and rushed outside to make the phone call. Though weak and rustled by his strangulation and fall, Tanatswa rose up from the ground and tried to catch up to her but in the end he collapsed and fainted due to a lack of strength. Tanatswa had failed to even end his life, but now things were bound to turn for the worst.