Rising From the Ashes • COMPLETED ✓

12.) For Me: Bucky Barnes

BUCKY BARNES - WHITE WOLF

July 11th, 2017, Wakanda

Everything is so weird. I know I'm in cryostasis, but this... This feels different. When HYDRA made me their rabid pet dog, being frozen felt like being in a cage. It felt like claustrophobic torture. Seeing the reflection of my face in the glass coffin made me flinch, and almost always, I would reach out towards the reflection—hoping to feel or find something there.

When Princess Shuri put me in my state, everything went dark at first. I expected another deep and dreamless slumber; except this time, I was at a peace of mind instead of being a trained, brainwashed assassin. 

The last things I ever saw before being frozen in HYDRA were usually the cold, dead, and stony faces of their ruthless soldiers and scientists. The last thing I ever saw before being frozen in Wakanda was the warm, caring, and also worried face of Steven Grant Rogers.

The last thing I ever saw before falling off a train was also the face of Steven Grant Rogers. The last thing I saved was him, too. Hopefully the first thing I see when I wake up will also be Steve. Sometimes, it's the things you lay your eyes on before turning away that matter the most.

Right now, in cryostasis, I can think conscious thoughts and also unconscious ones. If I try hard enough, I can hear what's going on in the real world. I've heard Steve's anxious voice and Shuri's calm one many times, and also occasionally Natasha's curious comments. If I listen too hard, though, the sounds fade away and I'm back to hearing my own, inner workings.

Memories constantly flash in my mind. Most of them are of Steve and I. Some of them are of HYDRA—or, enough of them are of HYDRA. I also thought of Tony, of Siberia. Of all the lives I've ended. "It wasn't you, Bucky." Steve's words reverberate within me, a gracious reminder. But not one that's entirely true. I still did those horrible deeds. 

I killed—murdered—Tony Stark's parents. I did so many horrible things, caused so much controversy. The world lost great people, good people, astonishing people. All thanks to me. I lost everything the moment I fell off that train. However, I gained it all back when Steve, that thick-headed idiot, decided to believe and fight for me. When he did what he thought was right. For me.

If I could cry in cryostasis, I think I would have many times by now.

So many flashbacks fly through my brain. The ones with my trigger words, the ones with so much trauma and fury, the ones that include people I love and people I hate with such a deep, burning passion—those cause me tremendous agony.

If I could move in cryostasis, I know that I would have writhed in pain by now.

Then there are the days when the good memories outweigh the bad. Reminiscences of me and Steve as little boys, playing catch on the streets, or chasing another on a school playground. Holding a frail Steve in my arms while I tend to his wounds like a 'doting mother'. Sharing a cheap beer at some sketchy bar with each other, or with our comrades. 

Beating up the bullies who hurt Rogers; even when the righteous blonde man said not to. Taking Steve to as many Stark expos as possible to show him the wondrous technology and machines. Inwardly, I sigh. Little did I know that one day, the same advanced technology would be used against me.

I feel like a giant pain in the ass. A huge waste of space. I know Shuri is doing her best to help me, and I know she will succeed, but I wonder how much of the princess' time, energy, and resources are lost on helping me.

I also feel like I'm asleep; but wide awake at the same time. I have dreams, except some of them are just memories—and a good chunk of them are nightmares as well. Reliving the day when I fell off of that icy cliff and saw Steve's face crumple as he outstretched his fingers has been on loop for some of my gut-wrenching slumbers.

When will I finally be my own person? Will HYDRA always own me, their good, little, murderous, bloodthirsty puppy? I don't know what Steve sees in James Buchanan Barnes. I do, however, know what I see in him. Steve has always been a righteous man, having both a kindred soul and a beautiful mind. I'm the polar opposite.

The serum may have made him more physically apt, but it also enlarged his already capacious heart. I follow Steven Grant Rogers. I don't follow Captain America. Even with his asthma, his frail frame, his high blood pressure, the long list of heart problems he'd obtained—I still stood by him. Not because I felt sorry, or I pitied him, or my parents told me to, but because I genuinely cared and care for Steve. No matter what.

I guess he feels the same about me. I guess that I know he'd do anything for me. I would do anything for him.

If I could smile in cryostasis, I think that I would have by now. 

A chapter that dives into the frozen mind of James Buchanan Barnes. I hope you loved it!

Note that a few manly tears may or may not have been shed while writing this. 

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