all of the faces | 2019

➴ • ilovethedestructivekind:four

' why'd you only call me when you're high '

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

there's a reason we should always trust our guts.
you are one of the reasons why--you've become
one of the reasons why.

i just knew. maybe it was your stance. your
indifference to me that touched my head,
following my hands. maybe it were your eyes,
that had set me off. i don't know what it was
that made me scream 'NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO'-- internally. but you certainly set off
all alarm bells at once.

cause you knew from day one what i wanted; for
you to stay the hell away from him&me. for you
to f*ck the f*ck away from us.

but of course you didn't. if you did, 'we' would
never have ever even crossed my mind. you just
couldn't help yourself, to slither your way
between all of us, sucking onto our skin and
leaving the most hideous of scars. we never
asked for anything, but you sure as hell made
it seem like we wanted you to abuse him&me.

the longer you lingered, the more stupid stories
you would spout, bragging about the most
ridiculous of things. the shivering neon blue
that was slithering all over you, made me gag in
response. there was just something so off. yet
something so inviting. something so hypnotizing
that every time i took a hit from or with you, i
wanted more, i just wanted more, i wanted to
continue this abusive cycle-- that was blackening
my core. i just wanted to stay, but wanted to go
and i knew, how i knew, how i knew, how i knew
what a bad person you were. what a despicable
thing you would become.

it hurts to think about the
fact that we've let you in. we took you in. we
pulled you into our arms and then you
betrayed us right after that. it hurts to think that
even after all of what you've done back then, i
still relentlessly pulled you up, i took your scrappy
hands that had bruises and scraps, bumps and scars
all over them and pulled you back into our arms.
and you sunk. you've sunken. you've dropped
even lower since then.

i don't know at what point i dropped. at what
point i fell to you, at what point my heart just
started to betray me. it was somewhere
between the ice cream incident and the muffin
disaster. the irony of that all. god the irony of
'us'. there was no reason for me to love you,
if it was love that i felt, you gave me all the
reasons not to ( explicitly might i add ). and
yet i did, even if it was just for half a second,
or maybe three hundred thousand of them.

now you're a skeleton of a person i used to know.
your skin and bones, stinking of nicotine and
wretched lies. you've played yourself so far,
broken so many hearts, taken it to a whole other
part of who you used to be. you're a muddy red
now, like a treacherous sinking sea. awkward
bumpy hands have become gnarling black roots
that twist and whine at every move. your smile so
hollow and deep, i can see the sharp shards you
used to replace your teeth. you've become
every single thing that i saw from day one. but
even deeper, you've sunken even lower and the
sad thing is, i still want to grab your hand and
hurl your beaten body out of the hole you've
dug yourself into.

10062019