all of the faces | 2019

➴ • ilovethedestructivekind:seven

' oh would you be so kind, as to fall in love with me '

you deserve not another word.
not a single other word from me.
yet i give it every time. pull out my
pens, pencils, my paper and my
bleeding heart to write you again,
starting from the end working back
to the start.

i miss you. i shouldn't though.
i have every right to hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate your guts
right now. but i don't. i just, i just
miss you.

i didn't realize how much i had,
how much you had given me,
until you took it all away. you had
pulled out your lungs, guts, your
tongue for me and i had thought
you did this for everyone. that this
was just for fun. that this was one
of your games. would you have
understood if i had told you how
many times i had been betrayed?
i'm sorry, that i didn't believe, but
at the same time, can't you see
my own apology?
i miss you, i miss you so much that
it hurts my head, makes me dizzy,
i can feel the world spinning, your
words that you whispered still tickle
my skin and i just want your arms
around me again. i never knew how
much touch could do until i met you.
i miss you. i miss you so much. you
don't even know, you'll never know
how much of a mess you've made me.
you have made me a madness so
consumed with your existence that
i don't even recognize myself anymore.
i don't even miss your late night
confessions, the sneaky 'i love you'
slip-ins or even the not so subtle
'you're perfect' mentions. i don't even
miss the on the nose things you did,
that made my heart flutter and
my cheeks flame, so embarrassingly
that i just wanted to disown myself.

i miss your smile, your laugh especially.
your terribly real laugh, you hate your
laugh, i don't even know how, it's the
best thing that i've ever heard, it's the
one thing i could hear forever. it's the
only thing i want to hear right now.

i miss the way you used to look up at me,
when i stood in front of you and you sat
on a bench and our eyes locked and you
just stared, looked away, looked back and
smiled. and i never could contain my smile
around you. around the thought of you.

i miss the way you would not-so-subtly
glance at me from across the hall, the way
you used to watch me in the breaks, never
daring to come too close because of my
friends. i miss how you used to slowly
approach me when i was alone and a single
'hey' was enough for me to be won over
to stay two more hours at school.

i miss these stupid questions you'd
ask me, randomly at 3 AM, and i would
not have single clue as to how i was
supposed to answer any part of the
question or how your mind even came
up with it. i miss how you used message
me always, everyday at 11 PM and we'd
go way past a healthy time of talking.

but most of all, i miss how real you were.
you were one of the most real people
that i've ever spoken to, it just shook me
made me want to drink into every single
detail that you were. it made me want
to just drown myself into who i saw,
it made me want to fall so deeply in love
that i could never escape you ever again.

i guess i succeeded.

10062019