One Tough Love

Gloomy Days

Fall 1994

Summer went by in a blur and fall was quickly approaching. After the events of the summer and the loss of my child, I retreated to Clarissa's house for a hot minute. Just long enough for me to fully recover physically. I thought I was mentally ready to take on reality but boy was I wrong!!

A few weeks after my release from the hospital I had a huge mental breakdown. I was suffering from depression along with PTSD and with Michael and I constantly fighting, there was only a matter of time before I officially broke.

"You cheated. That's what happened. Yet here I am being punished for YOUR fuck up!" I shot at him.

Michael had come over to check on me since I still refused to move back in with him. He was already frustrated with this and he was having problems with the business. So he was at his limit and I wasn't making it any better but he did this to himself.

"So that's it, Huh?" He asked, sitting at the dining table. "You blame me for losing our child? Just say it, will you!"

"I didnt say that," I responded quietly. "I just don't understand why I had to loose a baby, OUR BABY, in order for you to realize the extent of your indiscretions."

"How many times do I have to apologize??" He asked, standing up. "You want me to prove myself to you but you barely give me the time of day!!! So what do you really want from me?!"

I looked at him in disbelief.

"You wanna know what I want?" I asked, calmly.

"That'd be great!" He replied with a hint of sarcasm.

"I want you to hurt just as bad as I do, if not more." I responded through gritted teeth.

This time, instead of kicking him out, I grabbed my keys and left.

I drove around town, my eyes puffy from crying, until I ended up at Lake Austin. The sunlight was glistening off the water, the weather was perfect for a summer day and everything was just beautiful. Too bad my mood didn't fit the scenery. I was sad. I was upset. I was hurt. And I had no idea what to do to fix it.

I sat by the lake and watched the turtles pop their heads up above water occasionally. They were so cute and precious.

"Precious. Just like my babygirl." I whispered to myself. And I began to cry again.

I didnt think I was ever going to stop crying. At that moment, something in me snapped.

I walked up to the bridge that overlooked the water. Because of construction, there was no traffic which meant no one to bother me.

I climbed over the railing and stood on the ledge looking down at the water. Something about it looked so welcoming and I wanted to embrace it. Right as I put one foot out, a familiar voice called my name.