Jones 2

Chapter 9: 9th Grade

Neverland~ Zendaya

Bravado~ Lorde

TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION (paragraph 3)

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PAULINAS POV//

Grant is huge. Bigger than Millikan. I'm actually scared to be going to school here. All by myself. I have Crystal but we haven't talked in forever. I'm pretty sure this is her exit ticket. Her exit ticket from the somewhat friendship that we had. I'll actually miss her. She gave me some of the best advice for most of my shitty bitch problems.

The thick black and white stripes on my cardigan go well with the deep blue V-neck I chose for the first day. I feel like 8th grade me again but I also don't feel like me at all. I feel different. I feel Younger. It could just be its like 6th grade all over again. Being someone in the first grade in high school.

My heart is vibrating out of my chest and every time I take a step forward I feel like I'm going to fall. I'm used to going to school on the first day and seeing all of my friends waiting for me and screaming my name when I finally show up. Now, I'm alone. With no one waiting for me. No Crystal, Kassidy, Grace, Isaac. Angie. This morning when I woke up I felt myself fall into a dark place. A place I thought I managed to get out of a year ago. When I started dating Angie, for the first time, I was genuinely happy. When you''re happy it seems to always come to an end in the blink of an eye. When you are not in the best shape it seems to last forever. Every day gets longer and harder. The sun could be shining but its like there's a dark shade in front of your eyes to prevent you from vividly seeing everything in its true beauty. For a couple of days, I've dreaded going to high school because I knew this would happen. I know this feeling very well. This feeling and I are old friends. I'd hope by now we would've forgotten each other. I'd hoped this feeling would never want to be my friend again. But its back and its asking to be best friends. You can't truly speak on the effects of depression unless you've really experienced it. You can't say you know about it or you understand where I'm coming from just because you were sad for 13 hours because you didn't get your way. No. Depression is not being able to think clearly because your brain is being attacked by something that is so indescribable that you don't even know what it is. I've experienced this only twice in my life. This being the second. The first being too hard to understand. I was too young to understand why I felt like I was weighed down all the time. I was too young to understand why I felt empty but heavy at the same time. But now this is the minor side effect of high school. Depression is seeing everything move in slow motion because you just can't manage to view things the way other people do. Depression is being locked in a glass room screaming for help but everyone is too occupied or amused to help you out. It's torture. You are your toughest enemy. There is no greater enemy to you than you. That is why things lik this have so much power against us. They attack our enemy as well as us. Think about that. I know what you think. Stop being so fucking dramatic Paulina, we get it. No, you don't. You really don't.

LUNCH//

The whole day I've been texting Angie so I wouldn't look lonely. Didn't work out. She's slowly forgetting about me. About us. She's meeting new people and she has Daniel so she's set for high school. I find a secluded corner behind a wall and decide to eat my lunch there since I have no friends. I haven't see Angie since Saturday and after the shitty day I've been having I need to see her. When I bite through my sandwich a tear escapes my eye. I'm in high school now. I can't cry because I miss someone or this is overwhelming. Yes, this is perhaps very overwhelming but fear is a normal response to an unfamiliar situation. It's ok that I'm crying. It's ok that Angie goes to another high school ten miles away but lives right across the street from my high school. It's ok that Daniel won. It's totally fine. As I continue to overthink, I begin to lose my appetite.