Complicated Love

Unraveled Secrets and Homework {Extra}

I look at Alois, my heart racing. His face is red and puffy from crying so much, but he is also smiling. His smile is so beautiful, it takes my breath away. I will never forget that I was the reason why he cut himself, even if it wasn't anything I could control. I can't get super upset with him though, because then I'd be a hypocrite.

After my parents died and I killed the man that took my eye, I couldn't handle the feeling of being alone, the feeling of having nothing left and nothing to live for. I cut myself everyday after that, to drown out that pain. If it wasn't for Alois, I probably would have killed myself by now. Alois is my sanity, my reason for living. I am a lot more stable now, but sometimes when my depression starts taking over, I still cut myself.

Most people don't realize it, but cutting is an addiction. It releases hormones that makes the person cutting feel better, makes them feel more than the uncomfortable numbness that emotional pain causes that some people can't handle. I don't cut for attention, I never did, and nobody knows that I cut myself. I want to keep it that way, I'm so scared that he will find out. I don't want to hurt him with the reality of how unstable I am. I am addicted to the pleasure of feeling better in that way. It feels good to let it out, my feelings, my blood. The scariest part is that it could kill me, and I don't want to die. I don't want to hurt Alois, I never want to leave him.

I can't help but feel a lump in my throat as he grabs my wrist lightly. I wince as I feel a sharp pain, but I love how it hurts. I look up at him again and see that he looks worried.

"W-What's wrong?" I ask, nervously.

"D-did that...hurt you?" he asks as he loosens his grip and looks down at my covered wrist.

My eye widens slightly as I feel a strong pain of guilt, not wanting him to find out, but also not wanting to lie to him. I pull my wrist away slightly, and look down, "I-I'm fine, I promise"

"Baby..." Alois whispers and lifts my chin up softly, kissing my cheek softly, " I know what you did..."

I tear up, a whole year trying to hide it and I failed. I can't help but cry, because I feel like a failure. I know this probably hurts him more than it hurts me, but that thought just makes me cry more. I want to stop cutting, but stopping this is like quitting smoking after you do it for so long. It is a stress reliever, a very dangerous stress reliever.

"I...I'm so..sorry" tears stream down my face and I feel weak. I fall into his arms and just cry, "I want to stop Alois...I really do.."

"What?" he seems confused at first, but them he gets it, "Oh Ciel..."

I hate to admit it to him that I'm addicted, but it's obvious, "It hurts Alois...losing them...losing everything that I ever loved...it hurts more than anything...you're all I have left and that hurts...I'm scared"

I look up at him, his eyes are slightly widened in shock and he looks almost scared. I can tell that he never thought of cutting like an addictive substance before, but I made it obvious that it can be. He looks at me sadly, "I'll help you the best I can, baby" he whispers and I blush softly before nodding.

I hold him close and bury my face in his chest, "I need you...without you I'd be dead.." I admit to him, not wanting him to leave.

"I'll never leave you, baby, ever" he kisses my head and rubs the back of it while holding me to his chest.

I dry my tears and look up at him, feeling much better than before, but I have a strong urge to cut again. I ignore it, not wanting to do it in front of Alois, or at all. I will try my hardest to stop, but it hurts not to. When I crave it, I can feel the blood coursing through my veins . It almost feels like there is to much and it just wants to pour out of me. It hurts and is super uncomfortable, but for Alois, I will do my best to ignore it, because I love him.

I smile softly at him, "we should start on our homework now, blondie" he giggles softly at what I called him and nods in agreement.

We both grab our backpacks and head up to my bedroom, setting the stuff on my bed before sitting on it. I unzip my backpack and look at my neatly packed stuff before looking over at Alois and see him rummaging through his very unorganized mess in his backpack.

"So what are we doing first," he asks.

I chuckle softly looking at him look through his backpack, "whatever you find first"

"History first it is then" he pulls it out and I grab mine out of my backpack.

I sigh as I finish the paper in two minutes, "This is too fucking easy," I look over at Alois and he seems to be struggling, "hey, you need help?"

He looks up at me and pouts, "but it was so easy for you...why isn't it for me?" He says, sounding upset.

"Well Claude was shit when it came to being a butler, so he probably didn't teach you as well as Sebastian taught me, he was quite strict" I wince a little when I bring up Sebastian, we used to be so close, remembering his betrayal hurt.

"That is true" he giggles, "I could use some help, I don't remember what Plato did"

I smile and help him finish his paper, knowing that he probably didn't remember a lot of stuff. I sigh happily leaning against him while explaining the things he needs to know. For some reason explaining it to him is so much more fascinating than it is learning it. He seemed oddly entertained as well, although I think he just likes hearing me talk.

I was in the middle of talking about the Greek and Roman gods and goddesses, which weren't part of the homework, when Alois pushes me back on the bed and puts his legs on either side of me.

"You make history entertaining, baby~" he purrs seductively, causing me to blush intensively.

"D-do I?" I ask, blushing deeply as we stare into eachothers eyes.

"Mmm, yeah you do~" He kisses me passionately, longingly.

I kiss back after being frozen in shock for a few seconds, not used to being so romantic. I wrap my arms around his neck and deepen the kiss happily, he is my world and I hope he never leaves.