count

thirteen.

hurt.

thing is, i shouldn't be writing on the weekends, but i am, because i can. so i will, while i'm feeling this way.

however, sadness is what i feel most of the time, and it's in me right now, and another to more accurately describe it is hurt, both inside and outside.

inside, my mind can't handle the mess, at the same time wishing i was involved because my life's too short to be boring. outside, my chest is aching and the past is ready to haunt me.

really though, there are times where i need to talk to someone, other than my parents; to a teacher, or a friend, or a classmate--but who even has the interest to talk with me in class? probably for a piece of gum, or for the answer to the 5th item of our seatwork, or for a sharpener, but i don't lend my sharpener, because the blade's loose, and i don't have anything to tighten it; and we're all friendly users, so i can't complain.

then if i do reach out, they tell. if i reach out, i say what i feel, over and over again, as if it was my life story, and as if i was proud of it;
but i wasn't, because the more people i open up to, the more people assume that i'm always this way, which i'm not, for your information.

even if i'm probably depressed, i'd be genuinely smiling at my crush for existing and being my motivation to live; even if i'm probably a bit suicidal, i'd be willing to spend a day without thinking of death; and even if i were lonely, there'd still be that spark of hope that helps you through your worst, and it's what kept me going.

envy can stab me in the gut, but i can still survive. depression can live in my veins,
but it'll teach me to be stronger if we do it the right way. overthinking can run me over, but i know i'd be able to make it out because that, dear reader, is life.

neither do we have fully painful lives nor do we have fully painless lives, because it would be unfair if so. i'll just put it here, but john green's "the fault in our stars" taught me that pain demands to be felt; and it is true. i've had a first-hand experience of pain; everyone has too, and it simply varies.

-l

8.04.2018