count

fourteen.

cloudy perception.

for a while, there were times where there was this strange feeling in my chest: it was either the feeling of being burdened with something--such as books, or the feeling of a dagger stabbing through it every other time.

of all the things that i could think at the moment, it was the fact that i was being ignored by one of my best friends for a day or two. the thought of not being able to properly talk with them made me panic, to the point where my eyes would become teary and it would be hard to breathe and speak. and guess what? it's sports club today, and i need to move!

under the blazing heat of the sun, we hung out at the school's playground until the grounds weren't filled with cars, parked on the school grounds with the younger ones bidding farewell to their friends. the campus was small--compared to other private schools, and so was the population of the school, including the staff. everyone knew almost everyone and the drama usually surrounds only a class or two.

--

rain clouds began to surround the sky, giving a cool but grayer atmosphere. it made the place look slightly more unsaturated and wind began to blow just a bit on my direction. then, i did try to talk to one of my best friends and apologize for whatever they did wrong, as i did have pity. fortunately, we ended up forgiving each other and it resulted into tears.

technically, i was already fine. our small problem was resolved, then a really good friend of mine found out and tried to settle it again, to the point where my adviser and one of their co-workers noticed. i really tried to avoid the situation, but staying hidden wasn't good enough. i already know i'm not good enough, so why try?

escape, i thought. escape your mind for a bit, look for a place to hide. don't open up just yet. they would've known soon, but they're about to know now. why now? i thought.
"L," my adviser returned from a few steps outside the campus. my focus was off at the time, and i leaned on the car nearest my place. "what's wrong now?" they asked with a heavy sigh. look, i didn't mean to disturb anyone or anything, i mumbled.

even if they knew about my problems, they still asked. i myself ran out of words to say that i was fine. i was already at the point where i just needed to speak my mind no matter where i am. my emotions crumbled to the ground like an earthquake, and i began double-breathing at every other word to recover the oxygen that i would have lost earlier. "it's just--things that made me panic." i white lied.

--

"now's the time to apply what you've learned in the past, get yourself together before returning to club." they replied. "please forgive me for delaying you." my adviser finished the somewhat necessary lecture that i didn't ask for.
anxiety rushed through my veins as i nodded farewell and went to the room to look for my badminton equipment; there i lent the rackets to two of my classmates, for they were desperately asking for it earlier. while my heart was trying to recover, i still survived. i knew i wasn't alone, but i guess it felt good to let it out.

-l
8.8.2018