count

sixteen.

instinct.

saturday--i was told that we're leaving to our province for the day, and just for the day. i was told that in the afternoon, we'd be on the way home. thing is, i almost fell asleep when i felt the car go downhill, which meant we already entered the small town that the relatives from my mother's side resided in. believe it or not, my mom has 12 siblings, and they occupied a portion of that small town.

it's funny how it was raining already and we managed to make it on a usually 3-hour trip. it was flooded in some areas and the tides are higher than usual. i was also invited to swim with some of my relatives, and i didn't deny the offer because the water's clean at these times, and i really enjoyed swimming with them.

--

(e)xcept i reached the point where i was running out of breath. although i kept swimming, losing air as i try to collect it. it was almost of no use, because the nearest thing, or person, was my mom; but she was also trying to swim to the other boat, which wasn't that far from her.
so i didn't bother to try and call for her, because it would be no use if we were just the same height.

to be honest, it's fine. she needed to stay afloat, and so did i (for them), but i also felt like i could drown right now. why? because even if i was enjoying myself, the river was deep and the tides were high. i was thinking of actually ending it once and for all, for in the stronger downpour of the rain was my non-existent will to live.
usually, if you're running out of breath and the rivers were deep, you'd go for a spot to hold onto, but i didn't want to hold on. actually, i wanted to let go of everything: the pain, the suffering, the fake people in my life, the hatred i felt towards almost everything, and i was so close; but i say almost everything, due to the fact that i didn't want to end up in hell for more pain.

everything was blurry since my glasses went missing a week or two ago, and i didn't need them anymore. they somewhat deceived me and made me think that everything was made clear, and i needed to learn from that, and i guess a lot of things started becoming unclear, whether i could see it or not. honestly, i don't think it would get any better--to elaborate, i don't think my vision would get any better. but i didn't care, i guess it trained me a little.
but i was choosing on whether to just drown or stay afloat, and i really couldn't choose.

eventually, i just decided to stick with it. i believed it was the right thing to do. i kept swimming until i reached onto something i could hold onto, with almost all my energy drained. the slippery algae that stuck under the floating portion of the boat didn't bother me, because i stayed alive when i already wanted to give up.

none of my relatives know, and i can't say it was a suicide attempt, but i really did want to take my own life, so that everyone will be happy later on. there wasn't much of a purpose anyway, especially if you're trying to stick through difficult things in life. i could say i'm fine now, but i'm probably still recovering.
and i somewhat regret it, at the same time, i don't.

-l
8.11.2018

i stayed alive to see iv of spades because they were performing the next day hahahaha

jk, but read asterisk!!