count

fifteen.

cloudy perception, pt. 2

for what felt like days, my chest still pounded at the thoughts that i wish i never knew. it was like yesterday, or the day before that, or last week, even.

i was half-convinced that i do have generalized anxiety (as a disorder), while the other half told me it was just a phase: the usual teenager phase which parents would talk about to their adolescent offsprings, knowing that they simply just lived their lives without the rapid advancement of technology. sometimes, it made me feel like our generation should've ceased to exist, or that we were simply useless--and i guess i am useless.

face it, we all go through different things, good or bad, and we're supposed to learn from it. when certain thoughts suddenly decide to collide in my head, it makes me panic; it gives that same unusual sensation in the chest that makes me feel like: this is it, probably. this is the time it would end--the pain, i mean.

though, haven't i become numb already? i thought, if i was numb, the pain could have ended now, and i wouldn't be complaining, i typed while pondering.
here's something: i'm allergic to peanuts and crustaceans (not all the chemically processed crustaceans, though); so if i ate prawn crackers, it should have an allergic reaction; but it doesn't, because i'm used to it, and i've been eating it for a portion of  my life now.

even that analogy goes with the fact that i don't have a best friend that i'd talk to everyday. sure, i have friends, but they have other friends, too. i sometimes use them, but they use me, too. i've gotten used to the fact that i am usually lonely. but it's fine, i've gotten used to being used, and to using people. i've been told that i was looking for other friends when they were there, but they looked for others, too, and we're all the same boring human beings we're meant to be.

--

earlier during fellowship, we were told to get a partner to ask questions to, and to my left was a good friend of mine, who's seated with this other girl which i was also good with, and obviously, they'd choose each other, because they're closer (literally and figuratively); while on my right was someone i met last year. we were both friendly to each other, seeing as being dank and artistic was something we had in common; but she had a better friend to talk to, and we were also good with each other. unsurprising how two of my best friends from yesterday would choose each other, and the rest chose their partners, until i was alone.

nevertheless, even the fellowship leader knew i was alone, but i wasn't lonely, because i've gotten used to it; and he didn't do anything about it. instead, he just eavesdropped at other conversations and shrugged off the fact that i didn't have anyone to talk to. ironically, the topic was that "you can find help", and i was desperate for help; i was desperately in need of talking to someone, because i talked to those who needed it, and no one was there to return the favor. it's sad, and it hurts. it's the pain i desperately want to end, but i couldn't.
even if i could, it would only be temporary.

-l
8.9.2018