My Time To Go

9

I felt like shit for the next few days.

Now she definitely hates me, it was not like i was trying to get her to like me anyways, but we could of been friends.

But who am I kidding. People like her don't mix with people like me.

She's rich. What would she want with a guy like me? To use me for protection. To manipulate me. To make me vulnerable so her rich ass can stomp all over my life and crush the little dignity I have left within me.

I was saving her.

From a life of torture with a broke kid like me, from the danger of my past enemies all the people we owed and most of all, my family.

But why would i do such a heroic act? Why save her? I don't even like her.

She's good looking, has a stunning figure and smells like peaches, my favourite fruit.

But apart from that she's nothing but a stuck up rich bitch that's trying to play with my feelings. She would only make me fall for her, and move on when something better comes along, when her actual prince in shining armour comes to save her.

So technically I'm doing her a favour.

But why do I feel like crap?

I should of kissed her. I had the opportunity to. Her hand was on my chest and it took everything in me to control the groan that was arising in my throat in that moment.

It took all my self control to not jump her right there and then, and then as the heartless jerk that I am, i walked away without looking back. Because her presence makes me feel like nothing, like I'm nobody. Because I know, deep down, I will never be good enough for her.

I don't want to hurt her,but I also don't want to hurt myself. That's why i walked away.

To protect myself.

But there's a small part of me that can't help thinking what it would of been liked if we did kiss.

....

I spend most of the day beating myself up about it, but it was quickly forgotten when I walk into the house to find one of dad's old friends naked on the couch.

My regret quickly turns to rage, as I watch my father pound into this malnourished rag doll,and he looks at me and grunts before pulling out to find his clothes.

He was sick. It has barely been a year since mom died and he's already fucking cheap whores.

I cannot take this, and I run out of the house, jump onto my bike and speed down the highway.

It's quiet when I reach, so I turn my engine off and sit under my favourite tree and close my eyes.

If I think hard enough I can see mom, with her luscious blonde hair flowing down her back, travelling with the wind as she holds my hand while crashing into the grass under the tree.

I had just turned 7 and we had spent the whole day collecting conkers, as a tribute to nature, mom would say. But in truth it was so Luke and I could play games and battle each other until we were worn out.

That night we stared at the stars as mom told us the story about how she and dad met. I could still see the adoration in her eyes, when he walked up to us and kissed her cheek while ruffling my hair.

They were so in love, so happy. We all were.

But I ruined that on November 21st.

When I took mom's life.

Now we struggle to cope with our life, we are all so broken that the sight of one another kills us.

But worst of all the sight of me, kills my brother and father. For it was all my fault.