Naruto One-shots

The Elephant in the Closet

Summary: In which Sasuke is salty about the fact that his brother is 18 and still single. Then he decides to do something about it. crack-fic, non-massacre AU, one-shot.

[This was written on a whim on my phone, and I was pretty frustrated because I didn't have a laptop to write on. The plot isn't really well developed, either. Consider this as a full-fledged crack-fic]

-

It happened at three in the morning (much to Itachi's despair). He was awoken by a black-haired demon.

Then he realized that it was Sasuke.

"Big Brother, you have a problem," Sasuke declared.

Itachi groaned and sat up. "Sasuke," he said sleepily, "it's three a.m. Whatever problem I have can be solved in the morning."

"It's technically morning," Sasuke said, "so get up!"

Realizing that he would not be getting any sleep until his so-called problem was solved, Itachi sighed.

"Fine," he said groggily, stretching. "I'm up. Now, what is this problem?"

"You're eighteen and you still don't have a girlfriend!"

Itachi choked. "What?"

And so begins Sasuke's search to find his precious elder brother a significant other (much to said elder brother's mortification).

-

Izumi Uchiha was minding her own business when someone knocked on her front door. Frowning slightly (it's five in the morning), Izumi opened the door, fully intending to lecture whoever it was about common decency.

Then she realized that the person on the other side of the door was Sasuke Uchiha. Unfortunately, Izumi figured it would be a bad idea to yell at the son of her Clan's head, especially considering the fact that the boy had never really liked her.

Sighing, she put on her best smile.

"It's nice to see you, Sasuke! Is there something you need?"

Both of them winced slightly at how obvious that was.

Sasuke, deciding to pity her, ignored it. "Ah, Izumi, I just had a question."

"What is it?"

"Are you single?"

Izumi pauses and, forgetting her manners, yelled, "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?! BESIDES, YOU'RE WAY TOO YOUNG FOR ME!"

Sasuke blanched. "I'm not asking for me! I'm asking for my brother!"

Izumi calmed down slightly. She took a deep breath. "No, Sasuke," she said finally, "I am not single."

Sasuke looked crest-fallen. "Oh," he said.

Out of curiosity, Izumi asked, "Why'd you ask? Itachi didn't put you up to it, did he?"

"No," Sasuke said despondently. "I recently realized that Itachi would probably never ask a girl out himself, so I figured I would do it for him."

"Huh," Izumi said, "that's a rather pure-hearted goal."

"If he gets a girlfriend, then people will stop pestering me about girls!" Sasuke finished. "I mean, I get that Big Brother seems largely uninterested, but that doesn't mean that they can dump the whole 'produce an heir for the clan' thing on me!"

"...never mind," Izumi said, sweat-dropping.

"Out of curiosity, who's your boyfriend?"

"My fiancé, actually," Izumi corrected. "And I will not be telling you for fear that you will off him in the middle of the night."