Naruto One-shots

Complications

Summary: Everyone is dead except for Team Seven, and Naruto considers time travel a viable option. So, of course, his teammates ruin it for him. (Or: In which Sasuke and Sakura have quite a few screws loose and Naruto is somehow the sanest member of Team Seven.) [au, oocness, one-shot, crack-fic, dark humor]

[So...I'm alive]

-

Today was not a good day for Sakura Haruno. Actually, most days haven't been good for Sakura, nor for the rest of Team Seven. One couldn't blame them, though, seeing as the whole world was kind of wiped out and they were probably the last humans left. Well, maybe some remote tribe off in the Land of Whatever was still thriving, but as for the rest of civilization—poof! Gone in an instant.

Try as she might, though, Sakura couldn't really bring herself to care. True, she felt sad but it was kind of a detached sadness. Occasionally, she would look around the dark cave that she and her teammates had holed up in and think, Huh, I used to have a house.

As of right now, however, she was oddly fascinated by the little spider in front of her. It climbed up the wall, its legs somehow finding a grip on the slippery surface. Carefully, Sakura prodded it with a nearby stick, and the spider started to climb up the wall faster. Resilient, then. Determined. Sakura's smile grew. He's the perfect friend! Absolutely convinced that Sasuke would be as excited as she was, she yelled, "Ke, look who I found!"

Sasuke, who had been devouring the leg of some animal or another, looked up. He squinted, wiping some of the blood off his cheek. Maybe I should cook it next time. Nevertheless, he called back, "What is it, Ra?"

"A spider!" Sakura turned to look at him, smiling. "You know, To told you to not eat raw meat anymore," she said offhandedly.

Sasuke scowled and took another large bite from the chunk of meat in his hands. "To's paranoid, and I don't care about the spider unless I can eat it."

Sakura got a thoughtful look on her face. She took her stick up and once again prodded at the arachnid. "I mean, you could theoretically eat him. He's not poisonous."

Sasuke paused. He looked up and squinted at Sakura. "Really?"

"He probably wouldn't fill you up very much..." She stared off into space, lost in her own head.

Sasuke, meanwhile, looked back down at the unfortunate creature that had wandered into the cave. It was a little larger than his abdomen; he could probably finish it in a few more minutes, and it definitely wouldn't fill him. A spider might help. And so, Sasuke Uchiha stood up, walked right past a contemplating Sakura, grabbed the spider on the wall, and swallowed it whole.

For a moment, there was nothing but silence in the cave. Then, Sakura let out a horrified screech. "Ke, you ate him!"

Sasuke swallowed a second time, satisfied when the spider finally stopped trying to scurry back up his throat. Then, he gave Sakura a confused look. "You said I could eat it."

"Theoretically!" Sakura snapped. "We had a friend, Ke, and you ate him!"

Sasuke scowled. "It was a spider and I was hungry."

"You don't just go around eating your friends!"

"I don't," Sasuke agreed. "I go around eating food!"

"Friends aren't food!"

"My friends aren't, I don't know about your's!"

"You don't have any friends!"