to be loved & to be in love.

12. A Letter for Vernon

To the boy with beautiful eyes,
Your eyes look brown from afar, but as you near I notice the color of honey.
They're bright and warm, sprinkled with light brown specks, framed by beautiful thick lashes. I watch you near, hiding behind my curtain of black hair. I sneak a glance at you, I admit it. I pause for a second, noticing the power behind those breathtaking eyes, the power that's as reckless as tornado. Your eyes flash. For a moment they look golden with warmth and as careless as hell. Our eyes met and for a second we stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.

Dear Vernon,
I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don't like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that. I remember looking at you for the first time and I had this in mind "how can someone be this beautiful?"

Dear Vernon,
I remember scratching and cutting my skin until it bled or swallowing a whole bottle of pills then I felt like I was fading, I fade. I'd almost convinced myself I'd done it. I died. I have died so many times, Vernon.
You came into my life at a bad time when I truly hated who I was and what I had before. I was broken, damaged and unhinged. But I have to tell you this: I love you.

Dear Vernon,
Loving you almost makes life worth it. Loving you almost makes me forget how much I hate myself.
Loving you is taking all the love I could never give myself and putting it into a good use. It is reminding myself that if somebody as beautiful as you can love a dying thing like me this way and give thanks for the way it holds back, if somebody can kiss the scars, control the pills and absorb the bad days then maybe I can try to breathe again.
You are the love that came without warning and I wasn't even looking when I met you but you turned out to be everything I was looking for. You had my heart before I could say no.

Dear Vernon,
For a long time I wasn't sure of what I wanted or who I needed to be but I found you and you made me feel beautiful, safe, and happy. Something about you made me feel a lot more alive and less lost.
There are dozens of people who take my breathe away but the one who reminds me to breathe is you, and I'm thankful for that.
I love you, more than words can describe.

Dear Vernon,
Perhaps self-love does not always comes first or second or even... ever. Love will not heal me, won't wipe my slate of a body clean. I will always be a girl of wounds. Love will not heal me but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself.
I love you, enough to want to love myself too.

***

vote and comment will be very much appreciateeeed!! xx
jadi ini isi surat umji buat vernon! maaf ya aku nulisnya pake bahasa inggris. aku gabisa nulis kata-kata indah pake bahasa indonesia hehehehe. makasih buat readers setia, much love for y'all xx