Buy me flowers| PJM

F. 23

"So, which movie do you want to watch?" my brother asks me.

I shrug.

"Whatever you like, I'll enjoy it anyways." I say, sitting on the couch.

He chooses an action movie eventually and then he comes to sit near me on the couch. I try to focus on the plot of the movie. And I succeed. For the first ten minutes. Soon enough, I find my mind drifting away from the intrigue. I try to focus again but I realize it's in vain. I can't help but think about the fact that JungKook hasn't been to school today either. It feels so weird. It's never passed so much time without us hearing from each other. And I'm genuinely worried. I've already got to that pathetic point where I've called him at least fifteen times, even though after each call I knew that the next one was going to be useless. I couldn't stop myself from trying. I hoped he would answer my call. I hoped that if I'm enough annoying, he'll answer the phone to tell me to leave him alone at least. And that would've been enough for me, hearing his voice and making sure he's still alive.

"Yunnie?"

My brother's voice make me snap out of my thoughts. Just then I realize that the movie is paused. How long has it been this way? Hobi is looking at me with a concerned look but my vision is too blurry to figure out anything else. How long have I been crying?

"What's wrong?" Hobi asks me worried.

I hear my inner self laugh hysterically. What's wrong? Everything is wrong! There is nothing right regarding my life, my state, regarding me. I'm a disaster, I'm a disgusting screwed up mess and I just can't seem to snap out of this. It's like I was born to be a failure, a disappointment. I can't even watch a movie with my brother without breaking into tears because of my pathetic thoughts.

You're such a loser.

You're horrible.

Aren't you disgusted by your own self?

"Nothing." I answer instead.

But as I speak, my voice cracks and I feel a wave of hot tears flooding my eyes. No matter how much I try to hold them back, it's useless. Hoseok wraps his arms around me as I burry my face in his t-shirt, sobbing my heart out.

You're a failure.

You're pathetic.

You deserve to die.

I cry even harder as the voices in my head speak louder. My throat goes dry eventually. However, I can't help but cry.

I'm crying so much.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I'm pathetic. Why do I have to worry my brother every day? He doesn't deserve this kind of burden on his head. He deserves to live a happy life, to follow his passion, to become a well-known dancer, without having to worry about his little sister. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve him looking after me. I want to die. I don't feel alive anyway, so what's the point in living further? My life is a failure, I am a failure, I can't do anything right, my simple existence is a waste. I am worthless. I hate myself. I don't want to be alive.

I'm crying too much.

I feel my brother patting my back, in order to calm me. But there's nothing that can calm me now. I feel like I'm out of my mind.

I feel like I'm out of my mind.

It's suffocating. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I'm gonna die. And that makes me cry even harder.

"Yuna, breathe." I hear my brother saying.

But his voice seems so far away.

You're an idiot.

You can't even fucking breath. How pathetic.

You're acting is disgusting. Everybody feels sorry for your miserable self.

You are stupid.

You are so fucking stupid.

"Yuna, please, try to calm down..."

I wish I could.

But I can't.

You'd make anybody sick.

You're your own worst nightmare.

That's it.

That's it. I will die.

I will-...

"Yunhae."

My heart stops. Am I dead? I feel relief thinking about it. But I feel horrible for being relieved. So selfish. I'm so selfish. I'm sick. I wish I was somebody else, because the person that I am is fucked up, so fucked up that nobody can fix it, not even myself. I'm my own worst nightmare. For a second, I can't hear anything. For a second, I can't feel anything.

For a second, I feel dead.

But the immediate next instant, I breathe.

I open my eyes scared and I'm welcomed by the sight of the ceiling of my living room.

I'm not dead.

I'm still alive.

I try to sit, because somehow, right now I was laying on the couch. But my body doesn't seem to listen to me.

"No, no, no, don't move!"

Hobi's voice is the first thing that I hear. And as dazed as I am, I can feel that he's completely terrified.

"I'll watch on her, you go bring some aspirin." I hear somebody saying.

That voice...

I see Hobi standing up and looking at me with the most worried expression I've ever seen him wearing. Then, he rushes somewhere out of my field of sight and somebody takes his place. I hear footsteps further and further from me and I guess it must be my brother.

Then, I see him.

Somehow, the sight of his silver hair was calming me down, shutting down my anxiety and making the voices in my head go silent. Seeing him standing right there felt like a dawn, like I had a white paper in front of my eyes and I had to write something on it. It felt new. It felt like any move I'd make, it would lead to something. It would lead to anything.

He was staring at me with concerned eyes and his gaze felt healing, as if he could've given me strength just by looking at me. Right then, unlike a few moments ago, I feel everything.

I feel alive.

He holds my hand lightly.

"It's alright." He says.

And I believe him.