Buy me flowers| PJM

F. 2

"Is everything alright?" I ask JungKook when he ends the call.

He didn't seem really happy and that was making me feel uneasy. I know his life is not as pink as it might seem and therefore, I'm worried for him sometimes. I wish he'd let me see all his weaknesses, but he never does, just to make me feel like I can count on him, no matter what. He doesn't trust himself though. He's scared of losing his mind while diving in his own depths. Thus, he tries to ignore that part of him.

But he can't run away from it forever.

And the fact is that I know it, I know it so well.

"It is, but mom says she needs me at home right now." He sighs. "I'm sorry..."

JungKook's mom is one of the greatest doctors in  South Korea and she's also one of the most amazing women I've ever met. I guess that's why JungKook is like this as well; he resembles her. He barely gets to spend time with his dad, because he's a business man that travels abroad about 9 months per year. He's gotten used to that and even though sometimes he might miss him, he knows that he's so lucky that both of his parents are still alive and love him more than anything.

Unlike you.

"Don't be." I say. "It's alright."

He looks at me, smiling tiredly.

"Come here."

I lean closer to Jungkook and he puts his arms around me. The feeling wasn't unknown to me, he does that quite usual. I couldn't deny the fact that I liked it. The warmth of his hands and the feeling of safety were something that I was craving oftentimes. And Jungkook has always been there for me, despite the fact that I haven't.

"Okay, I'm gonna leave now."

I nod silently and follow him to the door. He opens the door, being about to exit but he stops in midway and turns back to face me.

"Take care of yourself, okay? Call me if you need anything. I love you."

I smile honestly and wave him a goodbye before closing the door.

He loves me.

I stop for a second and lean towards the door, lost in my thoughts. He loves me and he proves it to me every single day. I don't even give him a reassurance that I love him back, still, he loves me. He doesn't need my love to feel this way towards me and this simply breaks me.

They say "The people who deserve you are exactly the ones who say they don't." But it's not that. It's never ever been this way, because I know I don't deserve him. It's not an illusion or a proof for self-doubt. It's the genuine truth.

With heavy steps, I move towards my bedroom. I sigh sitting on my bed and pull the letter out of my backpack... I sigh deeply again.

I need flowers.

Another love letter. Another one to my box. Another flower for my greenhouse.

My hands are shaking when I hold the white paper. I don't even want to read it, I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe if I act like this isn't happening, the guilt will go away once forever. Or at least I can make myself think so.

"Yunie! I'm home!"

I sigh as I put the letter in the box under my bed and go to welcome my brother.

*

"You should've invited Jungkook to dinner, why did you kick him out so bluntly? It was rude." Hobi scolds me as I sit at the kitchen table.

I freeze in place for a second. He saw Jungkook leaving, dang it. 

"He had some assignments to do and he couldn't stay any longer." I say.

Hobi sighs.

"Yunie-ah... You know you two don't have to hide away from me, don't you?"

I sigh as I watch him cooking some french fries. Another skipped dinner, I guess.

"I know, oppa... But I'm serious about that, mrs. Jeon called him saying she needs him home..."

"Oh, okay..."

Hobi turns off the cooker and turns around to face me, leaning to the counter.

"Still, Yunie, you know that I like Jungkook and I have no problem with you dating him as long as he doesn't hurt you, right?"

I look straight into his eyes and I nod.

But I know the truth.

You shouldn't be afraid that he might hurt me. You should be afraid that I might hurt him...

"How was the dance practice today?" I ask, wanting to change the subject.

"Really good." He answers smiling. There was something in his eyes, a spark that proved how much he loved to dance. "Jimin and I are so ready for the contest. Oh, by the way... What do you think about Jimin?"

I stop for a second and look at him. What could I possibly think about that guy?

"I..."

Hobi looks at me with hope in his eyes and I coul clearly see that he wanted me to get on well with his mate. I didn't want to make him feel like I don't support them, because I really do and I have to admit, Jimin and my brother dancing together are absolutely amazing. It was just that, behind the stage, I couldn't put my faith in Jimin in any way. He didn't make me feel like I could do it.

"I don't know." I continue. "He seems alright."

He smiles brightly and deep down, I was happy that I could bring a smile on his face.

"You'll get to know him better soon, don't worry..."

Oh, dear brother, that's exactly what I'm worrying about...

"Yunie-ah... I would like to have you with me at practices more often..." Hobi says.

"Jinjja?" I say.

"Ne, your presence was really mood lifting on Friday." He says giving me a bright smile.

"But I didn't do anything special..."

He comes to the table where I was sitting and sits across me.

"Well, that's true, but you're my little sister and having you by my side right now means so much for me." He says.

I look at him a few moments and then I stand up and go for a hug. Hobi wraps his arms around me, caressing my hair and slightly patting my back. I know what he meant through "right now" and I love him so much for showing off a strong appearence. He's as broken as I am, but he doesn't want me to worry more than I already do. He cares about me so much that he pretends he's fine just to be able to protect me.

"Kamsahamnida, Hobi-ah." I mumble.

He doesn't say anything, but he hugs me tighter and I understand that he's heard what I said. Never let me go, I'd say.

But I know, through every tiny thing that he does for me, that no matter what happens... He never will...

...And I like to think I won't either.