Beyond the Black Curtain

Chapter 35 - Perspectives

The thought that I'd be separated with the most wonderful woman in my life for a good half a year and on some of the most important holidays and events of our lives has made me...I don't know, I can't really pinpoint what I'm feeling because there's just so many things that are running through my mind right now I can't really decide what it is, or what those are. There's at least one I can tell though, and a prime example of that was this morning.

It wasn't lust, but after last night, I've felt a certain need to just feel Rae...whether it's kissing her or just wanting to be in close proximity to her, whatever it takes to do so. While to our friends it may seem like I kissed her out of playfulness, in truth, I suddenly felt the intense need for her as soon as she left our bed to start her day. I told Chris of this and he was pretty sympathetic.

"Relax, it's not like you won't, like, EVER see her in these coming 6 months. I understand why you're like that though, and I honestly can't blame you."

I ran a hand over my lengthening locks and sighed heavily while I contemplated shaving off my burgeoning beard that morning. While I know I can fly her out to wherever I'm at if she has the time, I don't want her to feel like she has to do so whenever I want her to. I understand she has a life of her own here, with her job and all, and she has all the right to plant herself in the best way possible to leave a good impression with everyone. I can't afford to have everyone think she's my girlfriend first, magazine editor second. She's even so much more than those.

I pick up my electric razor and start shaving off my facial hair. Chris looks at me contemplatively while he grooms himself as well.

"You're back in your head again," he observes sternly. "Do not overthink this, Seb. I don't know how you both will, but things will work out. It always does for you two. Remember how you and Rae got together to where you are now."

I set the razor back down and looked at my friend through the mirror. "You're right, you're right," I say with the slightest hint of reluctance. "God, I just...I've never felt like this, ever. Like...like I'm so afraid of screwing up or...or that I do something that may disappoint her, you know? Or what if, God forbid, after a few weeks she decides she can't tolerate this life with me and, and...and..."

In seconds, I was grasping on to the sink, my chest heaving while I tried to catch my breath. I feel the air around me dissipating while the bathroom spins around me. Chris was saying things to me, but all his voice comes up to my ear sounds like he's talking to me from twenty feet away.

I don't know how much time has passed, but the next thing I knew, I was seated in my bed and someone was putting a paper bag over my mouth.

"Breathe into this, Sebastian, come on," I hear Chris' voice clearly now as I absentmindedly take the brown bag and blow breaths into it. "There you go, that's it...alright, five more times, bro. You're okay, you're going to be fine."

I take one final breath into the brown bag and crumple it after, my knuckles turning white from holding on to it too tightly. I hate it when I have a panic attack like that, but I'm thankful one of my closest friends was there to help me through it.

"Man, I know you're head over heels for Rae, but I didn't realize you have it SO bad for her."

I sigh, trying to find the right words to respond to Chris. "That bad huh?"

"Mm-hmm," he says with a nod. Just then, we hear her scream from the kitchen, telling us our assistants have arrived to pick us up for the photo shoot we were supposed to be in half an hour.

"Hey Chris?" I say as he gets up to return to the bathroom. He looks back at me with a questioning look.

"Yeah?"