WELCOME
I slowely opened my eyes and a white ceiling welcomed me. Ginala ko ang paningin ko and confirmed that I am in a hospital.
Oh, I'm alive
"Anak..." i shifted my gaze on the left corner of my bed and i saw my mom with worried eyes.
"Im fine" pinangunahan ko na siya, i know what she'll ask anyway.
"I know." my mom said with a genuine smile..
"ilang oras akong tulog?"
"3-4 hours." that long? oh, siguro nakipagaway pako kay kamatayan. silly me.
"si Sasha po nay?" hindi na nasagot ni nanay ang tanong ko dahil bumukas ang.pinto at lumabas si Sasha.
"Hey there, giddy" Sasha entered the room with smiles, she then put the basket full of fruits on the table.near the sofa. Lumapit siya sakin, still wearing the smile that can make you think, everything will be just fucking fine..
"How are you? I mean, kailan ka daw makakalabas?" she asked at me, but then i shifted my gaze to my mom. Hindi naman ako ang kausap ng doctor kanina eh, kaya i dont know the answer to that.
"makakalabas na siya pag may nakita ng psychiatrist." my mom said and went to the table to arrange the fruits. Ayaw na sigurong pagusapan pa ni nanay ang kalagayan kong ito, that's why she managed to busy herself.
i looked at Sasha and she raised a brow on me. "i guess, ayaw pag-usapan ni nanay" i stated.
"busy lang siya" i ignored what she said. Those fruits doesn't need to be arranged, nasa basket na kaya yun. Duh.
"anyways, are you sure your okay now?" am i okay? no, im sure of that. Yung parang lahat ng pagod ko, naipon tapos sumama pa yung issue na nagpalabas ng emosyon ko, who would be okay with that? I don't want to be okay. crazy right? pero gusto ko na talagang sumuko, and keeping myself not okay, is a key na para sumuko ako. Im so exhausted with the shits im encountering right now.
"who would be okay sa lagay ko? why did i live anyway? pagod na pagod nako Sash. Bakit parang ako nalang parati ang may probleme? That's shit ya'know? Yung parang paborito ako ng problema at ako ang trip niya. Do you know what is in my mind right now? i want to die Sash, hindi ko na kaya."
Sasha was about to say something, or maybe scold at me dahil sa mga sinabi ko. But that was left, because of the loud bang of the door made by my mom, galit siya, sinong hindi diba? Her daughter wishes death, and she wishes for me to live long.
"you've hurt her" Sasha stated. I'm really aware of that. Pero anong magagawa ko? they ask me if im goddamn okay and then i'll answer them with all honesty, and they will get hurt. Just right.
"I know what's on your mind right now. Tinanong kita, sinagot mo tapos nasaktan mo nanay mo, and right now, you think thats is pure bullshit." I looked at her, she knows me very well.
"Look Ara, if im in your shoes right now? yan din ang iisipin ko, but plese do think about nae-nae, maiiwan mo siya, ako, kami. Do you know how much it hurts loosing a family? It hurts more than hell Ara, kung wala ka, baka nga hindi kinaya ni nae-nae ang pagkawala ni tito-tatay. You should've think about that. Marami kang maiiwan sa mundong ito, so please Ara, im begging you, not just as your bestfriend, but as a family. Be strong, please be strong."
I looked at Sasha's face, basang basa na ang mukha niya dahil sa pagiyak niya. Who would think, the toughed-heart woman in the University is crying for her bestfriend, that is enough for me to stay and be strong right? Thinking about my mom, is surely enough to stay. But why can't i find it in my heart to stay? to be brave and face this problem? Why cant i? Because, honestly, all i think right now, is to leave everything behind. Even my family.
